ICD-10: W18.30XA + W65.XXXA
Zebulon “Swirly” Puckett, 75, of Ding Dong, Texas 📌(pop. 22) answered the Lord’s late-night call on Thursday, July 3, after an unfortunate baptism-by-toilet at First Evangelical.
Born the same year the town’s famous double-bell sign went up, Swirly lived just a life of sweet hookers and bitter rivals. Folks say he was “repenting” during the annual chili cook-off when he mistook the porcelain lavatory for holy water. One ill-timed lean, an auto-flush flush, and the Good Lord’s plumbing carried him home.
He leaves behind four ex-wives, three overdue magazines from the library’s backdoor section, and a nephew he found on Craig’s List. Locals reckon he’s polishing heaven’s restrooms and coaching the angels’ tee-ball team from his eternal double-wide.
Still missing: the peach pit he’d been carving into a whistle. Keep an ear out—next week’s news might get noisy.
“Death remains our town’s number one killer,” sighed Pastor Buck at Puckett’s funural.
