Zebulon “Swirly” Puckett, 75, of Ding Dong, Texas (pop. 22) answered the Lord’s late night call by drowning in the church toilet on Thursday, July 3.
Born the year the store hung the two bell “ding dong” sign that named the town, Swirly rang just as loud and half as sweet. During the annual chili cook off he mistook the porcelain font for holy water, leaned in to repent, and the flush carried him home.
He leaves four ex wives, three overdue library books, and a nephew already listing his mower online. Locals reckon he’s now polishing heaven’s restrooms and coaching the angels’ tee ball squad from his eternal double wide.
Missing from his overalls is the prize peach pit he’d been whittling into a whistle; keep it close, just in case next week’s news gets noisy.
“Death remains our town’s number one killer,” sighed Pastor Buck.
