To the Responsible Parties Behind This Vehicular Atrocity, I regret to inform you that your child appears to have duct-taped a snow groomer to a sideways chainsaw and called it “finished.” This vehicle—if we dare call it that—looks like what happens when a Roomba watches too many Vin Diesel movies and gets ideas. The front […]
Seraphina “Snake-Eyes” Slithergood shed her final skin June 15th outside her Animal World and Snake Farm booth at the 69th annual Rotary Festival, when a rattlesnake demo turned into an impromptu bonfire.
Under the vigilant care of her geriatric nurse practitioner, Prudence “Cherry Bomb” McGuillicuddy reached her end on July 1th in Monkey’s Eyebrow Kentucky. Despite a regimen of baby aspirin, staten, Omesarten blood pressure medicine, vape, thc, a couple of ponies of Maker’s Mark and bedtime chamomile tea, she forgot the cardinal rule of flammable cosmetics.…
Well… Cousin Irving “Bugman” Bartholomew finally took his last ride to Jesus on a cloud of bee smoke . He’d imported a swarm of yellow-striped Africanized honeybees—“killer” variety by his own brag—then unloaded two jumbo cans of Saintly Swat from that Dollar Tree sale down on the corner of Main Street and Tittup Ave. He figured it’d…
They removed the Tin Commandments plaque from in front of the Chuck E Cheese and now look—my son has a nose ring and says “he identifies as a rapper” this is what happens when u take god out of animatronics.
STOP PARKIN your MAZDA CROSSWAVE in MY GRAVEL. if your tires TOUCH one more rock on MY SIDE of the unmarked boundary i will be contacting Daryll (HOA Vice Moderator) and also my dad who works at Nissan and is not afraid to sue.
im not tryna start drama but SOMEONE on this street is puttin vibrating lawn stones near my garden angels and its makin my husband horny in his sleep. i rebuke this new age witchery. also who has a coupon for Tractor Supply.
Busted for hawking Stetsons that mumble Toby Keith in reverse, Salem now wants a date nimble enough to tango with demons and burn it all to the ground—no squealing when the hat collects its citrus tithe.
Case Number: D1X13-1776Name: Cletus “Freedom Chow” McAllisterAge: 46Height: 6′3″ (6′5″ when the mullet’s fluffed)Location: No Name, Colorado , EXIT 119CHARGED: Moonshine-powered lawnmower jump over a kiddie pool inside the Walmart garden center, live-streamed on Facebook Live (audio courtesy of a Bluetooth Beats Pill taped to his chest).Marital Status: On-again/off-again with his cousin’s ex-wife—paperwork “in transit…
Nabbed (again) for peddling lavender-mint “Roll Tide Pods” as bite-size detox miracles outside Dollar General, Tiffani-Bree now wants a date who’ll babysit her harder than the toddler, cheer on her funeral TikTok dances, and ignore the feral cat riding shotgun. Swipe if u ain’t scurred!!!
On Gulf-coast boardwalks she perfected a hip roll that caused men to go into forbidden longing which resulted in some divorces and homosexuality. A local Carnie nicknamed her “Hula Lou.”
Alexias Ton Natas is an American-born Pillow Sin model, Winn-Dixie Produce Model, pin-up girl, and actress. She was born on October 31, at the Witching Hour in Crooked Creek, Alaska, United States. Her zodiac sign is Satantarius.
Name: Verna Fay Velour(born Verna Delphine Jo Rae Grackle-Velour, 1964, Rainsville, AL) Verna Fay was conceived during an off-brand fireworks accident in a Shoney’s parking lot. Her mother was a palm reader and parking attendant; her father, a traveling velcro demo rep from Elko, Nevada. Raised on expired Grape-Nuts and secondhand horoscopes, Verna developed a…
