Clementine “Peachy Keen” Wilbanks, 44, of Whynot, Mississippi (pop. 576), went home to Jesus late Friday after choking on a whittled peach-pit whistle she’d won at the Ding Dong chili cook-off rummage table.
Folks say Clem couldn’t resist free souvenirs—nor the third jug of communion punch—so when the whistle lodged, she blew her last note and collapsed between the choir loft and the crock-pot tombola. The deacons tried the Heimlich but only tithed up more secrets.
She leaves behind her mama (still mad about that eyebrow ring), two twin boys named Dew & Drop, and an ex-husband who “ain’t claimin’ none o’ this.” May she recline forever in her celestial Lay-Z-Boy, tuning harps instead of kazooing in church.
Witnesses noticed a sticky trail of neon-green fertilizer pellets beneath her shoes—might pay to track where that bucket wandered off.
“Death: undefeated, y’all,” mumbled Sheriff Tubb.
