Obits

Rhonda Faye “Exxon” Mullins fishtailed into glory last Tuesday night, courtesy of the self-propelled riding mower she’d hot-wired for “porch-parkin’ practice.” Witnesses say the mower—still stuck in donut mode—dragged her across three manicured cul-de-sacs of Santa Claus, Georgia (pop. 204) before launching her through Pastor Tunny’s inflatable nativity. Neighbors agree…

Jasper “Jubilee” Trentham, 38, of Snaggletooth, Georgia (pop. 311), was found dearly departed Monday morning in the parking lot of the Possum Tracks Bingo & Redemption Center, slumped over a still-wrapped mason jar postmarked from Whynot, MS. The parcel, marked “Do Not Open Until Jubilee”, was allegedly pried open right after…

Burl “Crop Duster” Delacroix, 62, of Whynot, Mississippi, was carried off Saturday by what Sheriff Tubb described as “a chemical baptism gone sideways.” Witnesses say Burl had been “safeguarding” a suspicious jug of Clementine Wilbanks’ communion punch, which he’d spirited away after the funeral to “study the carbonation.”

Clementine “Peachy Keen” Wilbanks, 44, of Whynot, Mississippi (pop. 576), went home to Jesus late Friday after choking on a whittled peach-pit whistle she’d won at the Ding Dong chili cook-off rummage table. Folks say Clem couldn’t resist free souvenirs—nor the third jug of communion punch—so when the whistle lodged, she…