Colton “Freedom Stroke” Jaspers

A man and a woman in fantasy attire stand together in a lush, green forest, surrounded by mystical elements and vibrant foliage.

Case Number: 1776BONGRIP
Name: Colton “Freedom Stroke” Jaspers
Age: 36
Height: 6’4” with his boots; 5’9” without.
Location: Accident, Maryland
CHARGED: Disturbing the peace for shotgunning Bud Lights during a town hall Zoom meeting and yelling “Let’s Go Brandon” every 12 seconds.
Marital Status: Divorced three times, already planning #4.
Offspring: 1 son who only eats Lunchables and owns 13 throwing stars.
Hobbies: Amateur taxidermy (mainly squirrels), wearing Affliction shirts ironically (but not really), freestyle praying.
Looking for: “Any female who can take a punchline and a punch bowl.”

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