Case Number: #D1MB0X77
Name: Brock “Slide” McCoy
Age: 34
Height: 6′ 2″
Location: Dime Box, Texas (pop. 183)
CHARGED: Setting off illegal sparklers in the Dollar General parking lot while reenacting Cops live on Facebook. Second offense.
Marital Status: Divorced and double-tapping
Offspring: One tween named Tagalong, plus his ex’s goldfish Bubbles
Hobbies: Late-night nacho-cheese runs, debating Glock vs Taurus on Reddit
Looking for: A gal who can out-sparkle him, loves 2 a.m. cheese snacks, and doesn’t mind being called M’lady
