Thigville County Elementary – 3rd Grade Art Progress Report
Student: Scott Thigpen
Teacher: Mrs. Magnolia Faye Pickens
Dear Parents of Thig,
I just know y’all are proud of Scott’s eagerness; bless his silky smooth noggin, he’s single-handedly keeping the Pink Pearl eraser factory solvent. In class I asked the students to draw a tree and he submitted this. I guess if you close your eyes and funnel a few Micheladas , your young “artist” could shine brighter than a porch light during cicada season. However at the moment, he’s more like a negative energy field to light, in fact the other students consider Thig to be more like a black hole than a shining bright artist.
| Category | Grade | Brief Teacher Note |
|---|---|---|
| Creativity | C- | Nickelback has more creativity in their music |
| Color Sense | F | 50 shades of F |
| Anatomy & Perspective | D- | Recommendation: Bi-Focals, Lasic, talent |
| Typography | C | Possibly addiction to day drinking. |
| Effort | F+ | He just kept walking into the window when trying to draw. |
Please encourage him to:
• Study reference photos, yes I know it’s cheating, all artists say it is so it must be true. However if Thig is to ever progress as an artist, he must use references to help him build a visual library. Real artists, of course don’t need a visual library since they possess raw talent and genius to retain everything they see, however Thig? He’s more like a sieve.
• Encourage him to study color, or is he colorblind? Or, you know, like just blind in general? Perhaps he could pick a new profession like Not-Artist.
• Learn forms. This “tree” he drew looks as flat as a Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Carribean 9: Davy Jones’ Tax Returns
While I’m concerned about Thig’s ability to hold a pencil in his paws correctly, I’m confident—with guidance, a few mentors, a possibly career change, hand eye coordination workshops, vast amounts of medication, lobotomy, and perhaps and 40 hours a day of practice—Thig can progress from “I think this is a dog?” to a Picasso’s non-artist friend, in no time. Until then, we’ll keep practicing not shoving the crayon up our nose during silent reading.
Cordially (and with love),
Mrs. Pickens
P.S. I feel Scott would be more suited for a career in being unhoused.
