| Title | PADDLEBOY |
|---|---|
| Rating | 4/10 |
| Director | Elezibeth Holmes, |
| Stars | Tommy Wiseau, Hillary Duff, Samwell Tarly |
| Genre | Comedy |
| Summary | Paddleboy is the story of a boy who becomes a man. He replaces one of his arms with a paddle. He lives with this choice. His life is shown in a sequence of days. He walks, he sits, he floats on water. Nothing happens quickly. Tommy Wiseau appears in several scenes. Samwell Tarly is also present, playing himself. Hilary Duff wrote the music by asking ChatGPT how to do it. The film is quiet and slow. It is about the paddle. |
| Rated | G |
| Trivia | Tommy Wiseau refused to use a stunt paddle, insisting on strapping an actual oar to his arm for the entire 41-day shoot. He slept with it on, claiming it “helped him understand wood.” Samwell Tarly’s inclusion was never cleared with HBO. The producers argued he is a “free character” because “fictional people cannot sue.” The legal case is still open. Hilary Duff’s entire soundtrack was created by asking ChatGPT to “make me songs that sound sad but also like cookies.” She recorded all of them in her bathroom at 3 a.m. The Chips Ahoy shirt was not product placement. It was the director’s actual shirt. It had not been washed in 19 years. Nabisco later demanded royalties. Elizabeth Holmes was granted permission to direct the movie while serving her prison sentence. Most of the film was storyboarded on the backs of Theranos legal briefs. The paddle arm was salvaged from a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic, purchased for $12 on Craigslist. During production, the paddle absorbed so much saltwater it began to sprout mold. The crew called it “The Method Arm.” A Sundance programmer fell asleep during the first screening and woke up convinced it was a documentary. It still got programmed. The film’s original title was Boy With Paddle Arm: A Motion Picture Experience in Sound and Color. It was shortened after no one could fit it on the poster. Although the runtime is 108 minutes, only 12 minutes feature dialogue. The rest is Paddleboy staring at the horizon while Wiseau mutters “water is deep.” |
| Reviews | |
| The Paper | Not much happens in Paddleboy. He just sort of stands around. Sometimes he paddles. People clapped at the end, but I think it was just because the movie was over. |
| The Sycophant Daily | Elizabeth Holmes reinvents herself not as a business mogul but as a cinematic visionary. Paddleboy is her trial by water, a film that dares to ask, ‘What if growth looked exactly the same as staying still? |
| Warr10rrz4God | While the movie avoids mentioning God, the imagery of Paddleboy standing in water cannot be ignored. Is the paddle his cross to bear? Or just bad writing? |
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