📍Ohoopee, Georgia — Population: 29 (or 30 if you count the town ghost).
Tensions reached a boiling point this Tuesday when Mayor Humboldt was challenged to a winner-takes-the-town cage match by self-proclaimed “civic webmaster and social media moderator” Bocephus Clayburn-Holler, Jr. The proposed brawl, which was to be held inside the parking lot of the abandoned Post Office (abandoned since 1953—rumors say a ghost named Ardnell still haunts it), was described by organizers as “a peaceful transfer of violence.”
“This is how real men settle democracy,” Bocephus belched into a little red-and-white megaphone he brought from home. “No more rigged ballots. Just a god-blessed match and absolutely NO kayfabe!”
(Sadly our very tired reporter, Kayleigh, didn’t know “kayfabe” meant “to pretend that everything in wrasslin’ is real” and thought he meant “kabab”, so now she’s hungry… and still very tired.)
Mayor Humboldt responded by taking off his shirt and eating a pork chop that he’d saved under his left moob. “You wanna roll, boy? I was born in a hog slaughterin’ trough and baptized in Diet Mountain Dew Code Red during intermission at the Monster Jam Finals. Let’s dance!”
Mayor Humboldt taking down Clayburn-Holler Jr with the old “Quarter Pounder Whopper” move.
Aunt Peepaw, longtime Ohoopee matriarch and lead footwasher at the Piney Woods Holiness Parsonage, told our reporter:
“I’ve slept with both of ‘em, almost at the same time,” she said, adjusting her oxygen nasal cannula. “Let’s just say patience ain’t the only thing they short on.”
The match, however, was derailed when Clayburn-Holler, Jr’s mother, Mrs. Ohara-Clayburn-Holler-Stavrose (recently widowed and now filthy rich) pulled up in a white Escalade and laid down the law. “Bocephus Clayburn-Holler, Jr, you are not getting in a cage with that marbled meatloaf of a man unless you finish your snack and wash your hands. And I mean with soap this time—not those damn crypto wipes.”
Bocephus was last seen sulking in the backseat, furiously eating his ants-on-a-log and tweeting about “censorship by the woke mob of Northern Aggression.”
Deputy Ortiz, who had been stationed nearby to monitor potential shirtlessness-related violations, was asked for comment but simply shook his head and radioed in a code 42 (“White Men Gesticulating within a 6’ radius”).
“This town deserves a mayor, not a main event,” he muttered. “These two couldn’t lead a dog to a fire hydrant during mating season.”
Observers noted eerie parallels to the recent real-world spat between The High-Salutin’ Musk and The Stable Genius Trump, who spent the last several days LARPing as Tyson vs. Holyfield (it was an ear-biting experience!), casting shadows of impotence over two separate empires of ego.
While national media speculates whether Musk and Trump’s online tantrum is a diversion, a psychosexual mating dance, or simply two billionaires acting like adolescents sentenced to detention, Ohoopee has decided to take the high road: ignoring all of it completely and continuing to elect mayors based on pie-eating contests and number of feral hogs wrangled.
Coming up next, Dan Quayle disqualified from the Annual PotatoE Salad Spelling Bee after spelling “mayo” with a K. Film at 11.
Bro!! Does your maleness need enhancing? Then look no further than BROTOX! An FDA-Adjacent supplement for all of your male enhancement gender-affirming needs. May cause shrunken testicles.
Between the Screens: I’ve always loved drawing illustrations over photographs—kind of like they did in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. There’s something oddly satisfying about blending an animated face into a real-world image, making the two feel like they belong together (or at least like they’re trying). Below is a 30-second video of me creating today’s illustration.
The McCorpulent Clown Welcomes All To Worship Him, Dissenters will meet and untimely death with the fry basket.
Wankers Corner, Oregon. A chest‑high wave of Diet‑Coke foam is already sloshing down Main Street, sweeping red‑and‑yellow Christmas bulbs through the froth like greasy confetti. The high‑school band pounds out “You McCan’t Touch This” by McHammer while townsfolk cheer the debut of the McMeem™—a custom meme you can swallow before the cashier even sighs that the soft‑serve machine is down again.
The Golden Arches has partnered with Gen-Z “McFluencers” to launch the McSnorts Fanta Challenge: inhale diet soda through one nostril and hashtag the footage #McTikTok.
“We just want folks to be safe,” said Deputy Ortiz. “Snortin’ Fanta isn’t illegal, but it sure ain’t McSmart.” For safety concerns, McCorporate now includes smelling salts for anyone who faints.
Only in Ohio can Sigmas love these Gyat Skibidi Toilets, no cappin’
“I seen it on the Facebooks that the McMeem will make you go viral like that Laughing Chewbacca lady,” crows Aunt PeePaw, curb‑camped since four a.m. “Soon as I get mine I’m slappin’ it on The FaceBook—tags off, so Bill Gates’s Five‑G can’t McFact‑check me.”
Inside, Deputy Ortiz funnels the crowd toward proprietary Build‑A‑Bias kiosks. Each screen glistens with the same gut bacteria residue a 2019 UK study scraped from McTouch‑screens. Fecal matter be damned, customers slap their unwashed hands on the glass to craft memes delivered by the yellow corporate overlord clown, Ronald.
One mushroom‑headed teen called “McBeast” (5 subs, no clout) steadies his phone while an assistant locks the ring light. He begins filming a would‑be viral saga titled “Healing Through Limited‑Time Sauces.”
“The formula is McProprietary,” explains McMarketing Manager Dickcissel Songbird, flicking his Golden‑M lapel pin. “Equal parts confirmation bias, cognitive dissonance, and a whisper of vintage dog‑whistle seasoning.”
Every McMeem ships in Quarter‑Pounder paper already dusted with the E. coli and salmonella blend the USDA flagged between 2012 and 2019. Fine print warns: May clog arteries, timelines, and Thanksgiving dinner conversation. May also ccause bloody diarrhea…just sayin’…
Mayor Humboldt slices a ribbon fashioned from a two‑feet of ketchup packets. “We tried education, we tried broadband,” he tells our very tired reporter. “Tonight we fill brains with printable cheeseburgers. That is McProgress.”
McCorporate teases the next drops: McGaslight™—guarantees your childhood was perfect; McDogWhistle Nuggets™—audible only to Uncle Randy; and McMansplain Shake™—arrives half‑melted and explains why that’s fine.
Allow me to McMansplain to you about Virginia Neely becoming my newest “paid” McScriber! Virgnia, with your paid tier you’re now eligible for a McMansion in a Florida suburb of your choice! (oh and you get your name and link permanently added to the footer. McBOOM!
Coming up after the break: Local seaman comes on Wankers Corner City Council—claims swole fish, shrunk ethics. Film at 11.
Between the McScreens
The closing time‑lapse shows 2025 Ronald shedding the happy‑clown grin and growing into a boardroom tyrant. Pinstripe clown suit, golden grease‑smudged smile tuned to quarterly earnings. Watch each McStroke layer a little more dread, one frame at a time.
MARFA, TEXAS—BREAKING. Blakely Livensilver, 33, self-described “Akaline Water Vibe Ambassador™️” from Austin, has entered Day 7 of voluntarily holding herself hostage—by a 40-foot plywood silhouette of an actor from the silver screen, James Dean.
Witnesses report Livensilver refuses to leave “until he finally looks up and notices me, the way men did before they discovered crypto.”
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Locals first spotted her last Wednesday pacing a dusty turnout on US 90, intermittently glancing at the cut-out, then coyly pretending to scroll her phone. When a ranch hand gently informed her that the leading man was, in fact, flat lumber from a 2018 art installation, she snapped: “YET ANOTHER MAN-EXPLAINER FORCING ME TO LIVE UP TO IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS!”
“She’s crazier than a sprayed termite on meth.” — Aunt Peepaw
“She’s crazier than a sprayed termite on meth,” says Marfa local Aunt Peepaw. “That wooden cutout of Dean is about as useful as tits on a Javelina hog. She needs to find her a fleshed out man—or at least a battery-operated one. And we’re talking extra-strength Duracells to energize that bunny.”
Experts at nearby Sul Ross State University explain Blakely’s condition as “Desert-Induced Latent Deparasocial Optimism,” or D.I.L.D.O., wherein a person mistakes two-dimensional celebrity effigies for potential soulmates. (Then again, I suppose anything could be a D.I.L.D.O. if you’re imaginative enough.)
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Marfa residents, seasoned veterans of peculiar art pilgrimages by rich people who are convinced they’re artists, remain unfazed. “Last year a Brooklyn influencer spent a week live-streaming herself shopping at Prada Marfa,” said Deputy Carl Ortiz. “At least Blakely picked a classic leading man, even with whispers of Legititbeeqwahplus.”
(Sadly, our reporter didn’t quite understand Deputy Ortiz when he said LGBTQIA+. But it sounded rather festive.)
With temperatures set to hit 190°F, authorities are monitoring the situation but note no laws prohibit citizens from courting hard wood. “It’s like our friend the woodchuck always asks,” Ortiz chuckled and added, “Would a woodchuck love a Wooden Chuck? Yes, I think he ‘wood’.“
Until the wooden “Dean” blinks—or a West Texas dust devil turns him into warped MDF—Blakely Livensilver remains heroically stranded by her own devices, proving once again that love may be blind, but internet clout is what a wood chuck really wants.
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Up Next!
Local child rescues a puppy found in 3 garbage cans, it’s ruff stuff. Film at 11
BTS (Between The Screens)
Heather and I went to Marfa, Texas, a few months ago. It’s one of the last small towns in Texas that still feels otherworldly. I loved every minute of it, despite getting caught in a dust storm and watching endless influencers pose in wide-brim hats and earth-tone dresses, a look now forever etched into history as “Marfa-Chique.”
Heather is very angry in this picture for two reasons. One, she’s freezing cold while I make her pose and two, she’s hangry. (Men, word of advice. Make sure you keep your women fed. -Heather)
I love merging my illustrations with photography. It’s incredibly satisfying to build a story this way. Every bit of satire here—writing and illustrations—is done entirely by me. No AI-generated shortcuts, just a young 52-year-old enjoying the craft. Here’s a timelapse of how I created this image. (Tasteful half-nekkid person in the video, so y’all behave.)
Art and writing by Thig. Edited by The Queen 🐝 , Heather.
UNCERTAIN, TX — A local man is facing a citation for reckless discharge of a firearm and a respectable second‑degree sunburn after deputies say he unloaded a hunting rifle “at global‑warming,” which he says identifies as “the sun”.
Witnesses report that Ronnie “Redline” Dupree, 52, climbed into the bed of his F‑250 around 3 p.m. Thursday, squeezed off three shots toward a cloudless sky, then hollered, “That’ll teach you, heat devil!” One round ricocheted off a stop sign and took out three javelinas. 🐖
Central Texas registered 108 °F — hotter than parts of the Sahara Desert during Dupree’s thermonuclear showdown. Climate Central’s Shift Index flagged the day at Level 5, meaning human‑caused warming made those temperatures at least five times more likely. Dupree remained unmoved: “I get my weather from the Patriot Temp Alerts Facebook group and Infowars. Thermometers are just climate‑hoax propaganda and woke math.”
Deputy Ortiz, first on scene, issued a $23 ticket for “menacing the troposphere.” “There’s no statute against yelling at ultraviolet radiation,” he noted, “but chootin’ at it is strongly discouraged—especially on Sundays.”
Neighbor Aunt Peepaw, pinning her bloomers to a wire strung between their trailers, sighed: “RFK told him fluoridated mind‑control robots swim in the tap water. Wish he’d come back to church—boy’s got a prize pair of hams on him.” 🐖
By sunset Dupree was ordering a flamethrower – “Fight fire with fire, just like it says in Two Corinthians.” ERCOT meanwhile urged residents to conserve power “and for Mr. Dupree in particular to holster all combustion‑based weaponry.”
Up next: Woman delivers healthy triplets in a Walgreens clearance aisle, misplaces one near Gwyneth’s GOOP Jade Easter Eggs — film at 11.
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And now a word from our spoonzorz:
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⸻
BTS — Between the Screens
Saw a Facebook headline: San Antonio to out‑bake the Sahara. Skipped the article, swan dove straight into the comments. Nothing steadies my pulse like strangers blaming solar panels for the sun.
How we made it this far as a species is beyond me.
For the newbies: I’ve been drawing all my own stunts, no Ai generative art. Here’s a timelapse of me drawing the man cosplaying as a cowboy.
Yazoo City, Mississippi local Carl Stratensburg claims newly appointed Pope Robert Francis Prevost secretly supports furries by installing litter boxes in public schools.
“I seen him myself,” said Stratensburg. “He come rollin’ through after that terrible ‘nader hit Yazoo, tearin’ ever’thing up. Wind grabbed Aunt Peepaw’s panties and sent ‘em clear into the Gulf of Merica.”
Mayor Humboldt quickly addressed the scandal:
“We won’t stand for it. Folks lose everything, you don’t just deliver canned goods and cat litter. That’s what thoughts and prayers are for.”
Terrified, residents stocked up on guns and cat-proofed their homes.
Reached for comment, Aunt Peepaw confirmed, “Bless it, wind just grabbed aholt of my unmentionables and raptured ’em into glory.”
Asked about aid from the Pope, she replied, “That man handed me canned goods and cat litter. I told him flat-out: ‘Sir, I ain’t no furry. That ain’t Christian.’ But truth be told, that litter come in right handy for grease spills, moisture control, pest deterrent. Even used it as clay base for church pottery class, which now meets in the school gym since the church got leveled after some of the congregation went woke.”
The Vatican, or “Catican,” as locals now call it, declined to comment. Pope Prevost ended evening prayers with a solemn “meow culpa,” interrupted by a laser pointer dot dancing across the balcony, fueling further speculation.
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Model: Our fat ass house cat, Sable
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Are you tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a man whose chest whispers “emotional availability”?
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THE COST OF VANITY (AND WHAT IT COULD’VE SAVED)
Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation? $200,000.
What that could’ve funded instead:
200,000 meals for hungry children
20 emergency shelters
2 rural clean water systems
But that’s just one syringe-sized sliver of billionaire behavior.
MUSK’S DAILY INCOME: ~$27.4 MILLION
With that much every single day, Elon could:
Build 27 clean water systems
Fund 27 million school meals
Provide basic income to entire small nations before brunch
Just one pill (with a 20 year contract subsidized by Klarna Credit) and you will become Bro Brogan the Broprah of Betas
MONTHLY INCOME: ~$833 MILLION
In a single month, he could:
Give 833,000 people $1,000
Fully rebuild Flint, Michigan’s water infrastructure — with funds left over to give every resident a therapist, a lawyer, and a sandwich
ANNUAL INCOME: ~$10 BILLION
That’s enough to:
Feed the world 10 billion meals
Build 10,000 clean water systems
Fund 1 million emergency shelters
Or just maybe… go to therapy to gain some insight and develop a little empathy to finally stop being the final boss of sociopathic capitalism
AND YET…
Instead of solving actual problems, he bought Twitter. Rebranded it to “X.” Ran it into the dirt.
And now? The U.S. government is floating millions in ad buys to keep the platform alive — yep, with your tax dollars.
Washington Post, Dec 2023: “Government advertising has helped prop up X’s revenues during a time of private sector retreat.”
IMAGINE THIS:
The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion. If each of them gave just 10% — not of their total wealth, just their yearly growth — that’s $250 billion.
Each pill contains 30mg of Riboflavin. Riboflavin is what suppresses your immune system against the Fauci vaccine developed by Bill Gates’ 5g Phone
With that:
You could end world hunger for six years
Provide universal clean water access for two years
Or give every American citizen $757 in cash, just because
But instead, that money funds:
Chin implants
Algorithmic ego boosts
Cosmetic delusion masquerading as power
…
You know what? Let’s keep throwing gasoline on this flaming Port-a-Potty of hypocrisy.
Because apparently, facts are the real threat now. So let’s break it down… with analogies for the fuckboi bros in the back listening to Creed on their Android phone instead of me.
ONE MORE INJECTION OF TRUTH
In 2019:
80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men
Among minors? 97%
Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth? Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it. (And almost all of them do so with full medical, parental, and psychological support.)
So let’s make this simple:
I have compiled a number of analogies on straight bros getting moob jobs vs the trans kid who feels like they are wearing a costume.
For every 100 chest surgeries performed in the U.S.:
80 go to cis men with moobs
Less than 1 goes to a trans teen
But guess who’s called a threat to society? Hint: not Chad.
That’s where we are. That’s the conversation. That’s the hypocrisy.
But for those who still need a little help understanding the hypocrisy I’ve devised a list:
For those who like the sports ball
Imagine 100 players in a locker room, naked slapping each other on the ass. 80 of them just got breast reductions. All cis men (that are slapping each other’s bare ass because they won the big game) One trans teen did too — with a doctor’s approval and their family’s support.
Guess who gets booed by the coach, the crowd, and Congress? Spoiler: it’s not the linebackers with lipo.
For those who believe in the American Pie
Picture a pie chart of chest surgeries in the U.S. 80% are for cis men thirsty for MILFs 19.9% are for literally everyone else. Less than 1% is a trans teen seeking gender-affirming care.
And suddenly, that one slice is “too political” to exist.
For the Air Raged
TSA line. 100 people walk through. 80 had moob reductions and 15 cocktails at the overpriced airport bar then get drunkenly entitled, cause a scene, get drug to jail and pardoned by the Orange id because, freedumb. One is a trans kid who got top surgery after years of therapy and medical review.
Guess who gets the “random” pat-down? (America: protecting freedom from the people trying to live it…also all those straight dudes in the locker room patting each other down.. but like #no-homo.)
And for the fast foodies
100 orders come through. 80 are cis dudes screaming “No more McMan-titties!” while ordering a McSlurpie Xtreme(remember when McDonalds’ entire menu was Xtreme Burgers and such?) One is a trans teen quietly asking for the same exact surgery.
And the fry cook calls Fox News. Itsa crazy! 🤌
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BROTOX™™™ may be satire. But the hypocrisy? That’s painfully, surgically, injection-by-injection undeniably true.
CITATIONS
💉 Medical & Surgical Statistics
Context from article: “In 2019: 80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men. Among minors? 97%.”
Explanation: A 2023 study published in JAMA Network Open found that in 2019, 80% of adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender males, and among minors, 97% were performed on cisgender male teens.
Context from article: “Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth? Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it.”
Explanation: The same study reported that the rate of gender-affirming surgeries among minors aged 13 to 17 was 2.1 per 100,000, equating to approximately 0.0021% of U.S. minors.
Context from article: “Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation? $200,000.”
Explanation: While exact figures are unavailable, estimates for hair transplant procedures range from $20,000 to $50,000. Additional cosmetic surgeries could cumulatively cost upwards of $100,000 to $200,000.
Context from article: “The U.S. government is spending taxpayer dollars on ad campaigns on the platform—to the tune of millions.”
Explanation: In 2023, political campaigns and related groups spent over $4.5 million on advertising on X, contributing to over 1.2 billion impressions.
Context from article: “The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion.”
Explanation: As of April 2025, the combined net worth of the top 26 billionaires is approximately $2.5 trillion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.
Context from article: “You could end world hunger for six years.”
Explanation: The UN World Food Programme estimates that ending world hunger would require approximately $40 billion annually, totaling $240 billion over six years.
Context from article: “Provide universal clean water access for two years.”
Explanation: Achieving universal access to safe drinking water and sanitation in 140 low- and middle-income countries would cost about $114 billion per year, totaling $228 billion over two years.
Agency for Sanctified Stories (A.S.S.) in proud coalition with the Committee for Righteous Approved Publications (C.R.A.P.) and the newly chartered Federal Union for Childhood Knowledge (F.U.C.K.)
This is your new Libraritarian instructor, Nurse Prosperina. She will be replacing drag queens, who infect your child’s ears with over 1000 radical left drag queen readings each. year in America, mostly in New York! This in stark contrast to library staff who read…you know, normal shit… to your kids. Typical librarians only read 100,000+ non-drag queen readings a year in libraries all across the United States. Definitely fear that 1% drag in NYC. Shudder.
Dear Patriot Parent (and your biologically-female trad wives),
Story‑Hour has been reborn. Gone are those decadent drag‑queens with their dangerous ideas of universal literacy. In their place, we present Nurse Prosperina “Side‑Hustle Sally” Cash‑Flo, RN‑MLM‑CNP‑LC—part‑time life‑coach, full‑time keto influencer, and recent graduate of the 18‑month Institute for Holistic Revenue Streams. She’ll shepherd your tiny citizens through the only four rhymes still permitted by A.S.S. standards. Please review tomorrow’s program so you may prepare your offspring accordingly.
08:00 – American Prayer of Eternal Allegiance (sponsored by Liberty Coin™) 08:05 – Venmo tithe to Nurse Prosperina (@CashFlo4Christ) 08:10 – Nurse Rhymes reading begins (Sponsored by Mike the Pillow Guy) 09:00 – Snack: Atkins‑approved 59% meat product & room‑temp un‑fluoridated water 09:05 – Mandatory 30‑second ad‑watch for Promise Keeper™ “Purity‑in‑a‑Hurry” audiobook 09:07 – Mandatory Wellness selfie—the algorithm appreciates your compliance
What your adolescent patriot will learn from Nurse Prosperina “Side‑Hustle Sally” Cash‑Flo, RN‑MLM‑CNP‑LC:
Rhyme #1 — Ring Around the Rosie
“Ashes, ashes, we cash‑app out.”
Ring Around The Rosie is a dark reflection of the bubonic plague… OR IS IT!?
Why gamble on vaccines when RFK JR‑certified crystal sachets and wilted posies boast a 100 % success rate on Facebook Live? Children will practice defensive coughing while memorizing the customer‑service jingle for GoopLabs Floral‑PPE™.
Rhyme #2 — Peter Peter Pumpkin‑Eater
“Kept his wife inside a squash. Lower property tax, zero talk‑back.”
Peter Pumpkin Eater is a metaphor for men with fragile eggos keeping their wives locked away so they can’t vote. OR IS IT ABOUT RHYMES ABOUT PETERS!?
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Rhyme #3 — Humpty Dumpty
“All hail Humpty, king of twelve‑dollar eggs.”
Humpty Dumpty was written about the take over of a facsist government and how it’s broken and never can be fixed again….OR IS ABOUT A STUBBY EGG LOOKING DUDE!?
Our ovular sovereign still promises bargain breakfasts on Day One; never mind the sticky orange yolk oozing down Truth Social. Should cracks appear, legal horses and bot men will paste the brand together—at taxpayer expense, of course. Keep up with current events on the only government-approved social media site, X. With your free-style dance instructor, Renata Bliss.
Rhyme #4 — Mary Mary Quite Contrary
“How does your garden stay compliant? (Answer: Fascism, it’s called Fascism)
Bloody Mary Tudor kept people in line with fear of the guillotine. So obviously this nursery rhyme reflects that, right? Get it? Mary? Contrary? Guillotines? Plants! This is basically the fucking premise to the hit game Plants vs Zombies.
A cautionary bloom‑and‑doom tale. Mary, that pink‑haired social‑science major, stands in the center while her neighboring flowers pray that the sharp metal guillotine blade spares those who have something called a ”thought.” Moral: conformity blossoms—dissent gets composted.
If at any point your child laughs, kindly report the infraction to the Department of Obligatory Guided Enlightenment (D.O.G.E.) via our one‑click “Snitch & Enrich” portal; eligible informants receive ten FreedomTokens and a complimentary dab of colloidal silver to ward off the Werewokes.
Fine Print: To the countless science‑literate nurses pulling double shifts—this satire is not about you. However If the pink crocs pinch, perhaps reconsider the side hustle.
POLL
Which rhyme should A.S.S. ban next? Vote before the Thought‑Police close the ballot box.
Baa Baa Black Sheep
22%
Three Blind Mice
33%
Little Boy Blue
44%
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Stand tall, stay hydrated (but never fluoridated), and remember: A literate child is a slippery slope to independent thought and remember who got cast out of Heaven into Hell for wanting equality? That’s right, the Radical Left. Let’s keep those pages turning in the righteous direction.
Blessings and brand synergy, K. ERIN GILEAD Acting Director, A.S.S.
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Behind The Scenes
I shelved this piece for a few weeks so the art could earn its keep—check the time‑lapse and brush‑stroke receipts below. While the ink was drying I combed 18th‑ and 19th‑century songbooks to see whether the “secret gore” we whisper about these rhymes holds water. The Short answer: not really (and yeah, I’m as disappointed about that as you are but hey, that’s critical thinking for you).
Ring Around the Rosie – plague theory shows up in the 1950s; however, the rhyme was first printed in 1881.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary – first appears in 1744; all the Bloody‑Mary torture‑garden talk is two centuries out of sync as Queen Mary I ruled in the 1500s. But let’s pretend it’s about Bloody Mary so my animation makes better narrative sense.
Humpty Dumpty – 1797 riddle about a clumsy little guy (or a boozy brandy‑ale), nothing to do with cannons or kings.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater – c. 1797 Snoop Dogg would have loved the Scots’ original version of this which was “Peter my Neeper”; Victorians later swap “pumpkin shell” for a chastity cage because, well, Victorians. This Victorian puritanical view also led to the 1990s where Tipper Gore put those “Explicit Content” labels on 2 Live Crew CDs.
So the darkness we love is aftermarket. Kids sang these for rhythm; adults bolted on the body count later.
Receipts
Tracked drawing time: 22 hours 20 minutes
Total strokes made: 28,086
Total time writing this article: Forever, I must have revised this a million times.
Citations
Ring Around the Rosie
Claim: Allegory of the bubonic plague.
Proven origin: Children’s ring‑game; first full print 1881, plague theory first floated in the 1950s.
Claim: Refers to a Civil‑War cannon or a fallen king.
Proven origin: Riddle printed in Samuel Arnold’s Juvenile Amusements (1797); “humpty‑dumpty” was slang for a short, clumsy person (and a brandy‑ale drink).
Claim: Husband murders wife and hides her in a pumpkin shell.
Proven origin: London print ~ 1797; earlier Scottish variant “Peter my Neeper” (1868) shows it was a “comical” verse about marital control, not homicide.
This essay is written and illustrated (all hand drawn) by Scott Thigpen and edited by Heather Herrington.
Frodo didn’t ask to be thrown into Middle Earth’s hellhole. Neither did we. But here we are—scrolling through the fall of civilization with a choice: Doomscroll… or do something. Side note: This is a different style for me to draw in and I must say, I didn’t hate drawing this way at all.
Living through a ‘historical moment’ sounded romantic back when I was half-asleep in Mrs. Tiddlecomb’s 10th grade World History class. Turns out, it’s less Renaissance painting of naked nymphs and more plague sequel directed by Michael Bay and Ridley Scott. When history repeats itself, America makes it a TikTok challenge.
We All Fall Down
There’s not an empire that has stood the test of time; all of them have fallen. Yep, The Roman Empire, the British Empire, Alderaan, the Mongol Empire, Mordor, the Ottomans, the Soviets—all either collapsed, got absorbed, or slowly mutated into something else entirely. We Americans should look at this as a warning sign, but instead we’re too busy watching an expert on TikTok spew tons of disinformation to continue to erode (well, we’re past erosion and we’re full onto a mudslide, slicker than a greased pig in a Vaseline factory) the fabric of communal trust and common sense.
Good ol’ U.S. Bay of Pigs – Because nothing screams “world’s greatest empire” like replaying history’s worst blooper reel… with better graphics and dumber influencers.
Some people are scared, some are terrified, others are angry, and then there’s that subspecies of human knuckle-draggers that are ok with worshipping charismatic billionaires who make George W. Bush look like an erudite scholar. We are essentially “living in a meme” these days, and the parallels to how Rome fell are… well, frightening as Hell.
WHAT REALLY TOOK ROME DOWN
Let’s look to historical criticism rather than feeling, rhetoric, or opinion of why Rome fell. First of all, much like how Rome was built, it didn’t fall overnight. More so, it decayed over centuries in a slow-motion collapse rather than a thunderous boom. This was largely due to:
Overexpansion + Military Overload: Rome expanded for thousands of miles—territory which it then had to defend. This was costly and probably a huge mess, as they didn’t have the communication system we do today. So just imagine trying to get a message to the furthest-most border of your Empire. No Wi-Fi, no 5G, and no Uber. Just a messenger boy that would run—like in 490 BCE, when Pheidippides sprinted ~25 miles from Marathon to Athens to announce victory over the Persians, then dropped dead. That’s how messages traveled: on foot, by breath, and by collapse.
Economic Collapse & Inequality: Rome had a mountain of debt, slave labor, and a 1% so rich they were basically bathing in olive oil. The poor were starving, the middle class vanished, and the only thing trickling down was the sewage from the upper levels.
Political Corruption and Instability: Within about 100 years, Rome had 70 emperors. A bunch of those guys were murdered; the entire empire was run like a reality show… but with swords (stabby stab stab)! Civil wars and power struggles eroded trust in leadership.
Civic Apathy and Institutional Decay: Trust in government just… disappeared. People stopped participating in civic life, and public infrastructure was heavily neglected. (If you were to look at this as a map: “you, my friend, are here.”)
Invasions… just not what you think they were like: Barbarians didn’t sneak in and destroy Rome—by 400 CE they could just waltz in and take it, because it’d turned into a piece of rotting fruit rather than the beaming light of civilization.
Bread and Circus: Instead of fixing problems, leaders had basically a “team-building pizza party” to improve morale by giving out free grain and promoting violent entertainment. It worked! Well… it did until it didn’t.
The Man In The Mirror
Do you see a smug Elon Musk in this picture I drew? Or the city of Rome in the shape of Elon with dicks all over his face?
Now golly-gee-whiz… if that’s how Rome fell, well… I wonder what current country reflects that? I can’t put my finger on it just this moment… OH YEAH, OUR FUCKING COUNTRY, THE USA. We freedom so hard here we forgot what we were freedoming about. But goddammit, no one is taking away my freedom or my 300 flags shoved in my Cybertruck (well, unless it’s one of them rainbow flags… then we got ourselves a problem).
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Ok, I’m not suggesting that America is going to fall into Mike Judge’s opus, Idiocracy. No, I’m not suggesting this at all. What I’m doing is TELLING YOU—we ARE well into the first 1/3 of the movie Idiocracy. (If you’ve not watched it, you should… it used to be something you cried laughing at, now you just cry watching it.)
“Ow! My Balls!” was the apex of entertainment in Idiocracy. Rome had gladiators, vomitoriums, and weird-ass fertility rituals. We have TikTok, influencers, and men kicking each other in the nuts for likes. Progress?
Reality TV devolved into TikTok influencers eating Tide Pods, deep-frying their balls, and announcing presidential campaigns—sometimes in the same 60-second video; my trust in our government to do what’s in our best interest is completely gone; revered institutions are failing us, but I do have some good news… over on Facebook, Kaleeign Aňña Silver just posted a personal record in her CrossFit session this morning, #legDay #noDaysOff #likeAndSubscribe!
I look for ways to numb myself through entertainment so I can forget we’re collapsing—and we’re collapsing because we’ve forgotten to entertain reality.
And all this just drives me batshit insane, and like the rest of America, I look for ways to numb myself through entertainment so I can forget we’re collapsing—and we’re collapsing because we’ve forgotten to entertain reality.
It’s bad, man.
Rome Fell because of DEI and Wokeism
Growing up, if the church’s doors were open, I was there. At bare minimum, I was at church three times a week, then went on to study at Samford University, which is a Christian college with a student body so conservative that they wore their lifeguard patch on the sleeve of their swimsuit.
During this time, I often heard that Rome fell because of sexual promiscuity, people turning away from God, and… well you know, the gays (who obviously destroy humanity with their army of drag queens reading Dr. Seuss books to kids). While I do not have a DeLorean to go back in time and verify for sure, history shows us that the fall of Rome was more about failing infrastructure, and less about Uncle Adam and Aunt Steve having a toga-less picnic, in a van, down by the Tigris Euphrates river.
Can you pick out which Roman Soldier, who committed his life to protecting Rome, is gay? Yeah, no. You can’t.
Lovely, What Do I Do?
As I write this essay, I am riddled with my own anxiety and fears for America. Watching the firehose of disinformation spew sludge all over us during the pandemic, with people screaming about their freedoms being taken away because they had to put a piece of cloth over their nose and mouth, was a harsh realization that our social structure is held together by Band-Aids rather than the strength of trust, love, and care for each other. Mix in a heavy dose of genuinely bad actors, a few billionaires’ personal interests, and the disinformation machines coming out of Russia and China, and well… it’s been hard to function as a critically-thinking adult.
So what am I going to do?
Grow Food: I love the term “NGL” (not gonna lie), because NGL… I am terrible at growing a garden full of food. I’ve tried. I’ve had some success, but mostly just produced dying vegetables where bugs eat clean through them. But then there are green-thumbed people like Corey Sweet, who posts pictures of the most amazing things he’s grown in his garden. I could reach out to him and ask him what to do and how to grow stuff. I figure if my ancestors can do it, I can do it.Trust grows fast when it’s watered with sincerity and not whatever passes for virtue signaling these days.
Grow Trust: While I’m fairly certain my FarmVille skills would collapse like a toddler-built Jenga tower, I can grow trust with my neighbors. That starts by doing kind things without expecting anything in return—no barter system, no karma points, no Instagram reel to prove it happened. Just show up, be decent, and for the love of civilization, don’t be a dick. Trust grows fast when it’s watered with sincerity and not whatever passes for virtue signaling these days.
Grow “The Hell Up”: I’ve been told this crap line my entire life—usually by people who think “growing up” means to conform to a systemic social structure of mediocrity. Turns out, what they meant was “become who I think you should be.” But real growth? That came the moment I realized I get to decide to be whatever the hell I want to be.
I try (keyword: try) to practice mindfulness, which costs exactly $0.00 and doesn’t require a 7-day juice cleanse or a jade egg butt plug sold by Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP Company. For me, it’s just about knowing where I am in space, taking a breath, and not spiraling into outrage like your crazy-ass aunt on Facebook posting memes that confirm her biases instead of, you know… doing critical thinking… and shit.
Grow Creativity: I firmly believe that if humans didn’t have to go work an 8–5 job, a side hustle, AND their second job just to afford eggs, we’d all slide into some form of creativity. Whether it’s visual art, music, poetry, writing, engineering, or dance—I truly feel if we had our needs met, we’d be more creative. But we don’t live in that world and we never will. However, you can still create, and something created today may be the candle that lights our way in the future.
For me? This newsletter has been my source of creativity and respite. I also hope each week that it may bring a smile and laughter, or a deep thought to someone… if only for a minute… because let’s face it, we’re allllll stressed out and usually just two seconds away from an existential and psychological breakdown.
So I create, and it does my soul a lot of good to do so. If creating is something you feel would benefit you but don’t know where to start? Go take a napkin and crumple it up, tape that crumple to a leftover chopstick from the sushi place you always order from, and then give it to someone and say, “I made a flower and wanted to give it to you.” You just might find yourself feeling what us humans feel best… you might feel connected. Or at the very least, you’ll feel more human than say influencers who sniff chairs immediately after guests vacated them for internet clout.* (Check the citations below 👇 for more lovely info on this shit stain of a human. Also that link is safe for work).
Free fallin’
When America falls—and I fear it will—it won’t be fire and fury. It’ll be rot and reruns. Butmeaning and purpose don’t burn—they wait in the rubble for someone sober enough, with calloused hands and a clear heart, to plant seeds of hope.
And what about those of us who are gonna endure a lot of anguish? What happens when it’s too dark, too scary, too bleak? Then scroll back to the top and read Gandalf’swords. After you’ve reread it, go pull your Spanx up over that muffin lid of yours, and put your GRRR face on! This is the first act of rebellion.
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Citations
I try to cite all sources where I get my information. Below is a list of those sources. But we all know why you’re here, you’re here in the reference of the butt sniffer influencer I am referring to.
Adin Ross (link is SFW), a streamer whose career trajectory includes chair-sniffing stunts and hosting controversial figures like Nick Fuentes and Andrew Tate, gifted Donald Trump a Rolex and a Tesla Cybertruck during a livestream—actions that raised potential campaign finance violations. Despite being banned from Twitch for hate speech, Ross continues to amass wealth, with estimates placing his net worth between $16 million and $24 million, primarily from his activities on Social Media and various sponsorships… for essentially sniffing chairs where your butt was a few minutes ago.
Now onto the boring shit:
Rome had 70 emperors in 100 years
Between 27 BCE and 476 CE, Rome saw dozens of emperors, with roughly 70 in the 100 years between 186 and 285 CE—many of whom were assassinated or overthrown.
Barbarians didn’t “invade” so much as walk into a rotting empire
By the late 4th century, barbarian tribes often entered Roman lands not by invasion but by invitation, treaty, or necessity, as the state was too weak to resist.
“Idiocracy” as a satirical portrayal of societal decline
Mike Judge’s 2006 film Idiocracy critiques cultural and intellectual deterioration via satire. It has become a modern reference point for social commentary.
Disinformation campaigns from Russia and China targeting the U.S.
U.S. intelligence and independent watchdogs have documented persistent disinformation efforts from foreign actors aimed at destabilizing trust in American democracy.
Ever Wonder Why Thig’s Sketchbook Gets Likes While Yours Gets Lost in the Algorithm Abyss?
🚨 ART FAILURE ALERT: WHY YOUR SKETCHBOOK IS A DISGRACE 🚨
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(Did I mention this article is satire?)
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1️⃣ Get a Pencil – But not just any pencil. You need one with ROCK-HARD LEAD, because you’re about to sketch with the force of a thousand Greek sculptures.
2️⃣ Get a Sketchbook – But make sure it’s expensive and hardbound, preferably made from endangered rainforest trees and bound in artisan male yak-leather. Anything else is for artistic weaklings.
3️⃣ Post Your Sketches Online and DEMAND Engagement – If someone doesn’t immediately validate your art, delete it in shame (and go cry in your corner you beta cuck)
4️⃣ GO HARD.
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🚫 MISTAKES ONLY ART BETA CUCKS MAKE 🚫
(Is your name “Marc Cuckaberg!?” NO! You are an ART Apex Predator Sketch Gladiator
LOOK AT ALL THE BETA CUCKS IN THIS SKETCH! THEY ONLY EAT STEAK FROM FEMALE COWS, NOT FROM HARD CORE BULLS LIKE REAL CHAD ARTISTS EAT! AND THEY WEAR A RED HAT. EVERYONE KNOWS RED HATS ARE FOR BETA CUCK SHITBAGS THAT HAVE VOTED IN AN ORANGE BETA CUCK WHO JUGGLES PUTIN’S BALLS IN HIS MOUTH. THANKS FOR RUINING AMERICA YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. But hey…eggs tho…egg prices gonna come down soon.
ONLY FOLLOW THESE STEPS NOW, NOT THE STEPS ABOVE, THOSE STEPS ARE NOW ONLY FOR BETAS WHO SURF REDDIT.
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💎 PRO ARTIST SECRETS: HOW TO BE A PEN15 MASTER
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A sketch of Bey-Z. A MANLY sketch of Bey-Z. Stay tuned for next week when I draw ALPHA JUDY GARLAND!
📜 Rule #1: Your Sketchbook Is A Masterpiece OR IT’S GARBAGE. If you make one bad drawing, set it on fire and start over. No weak sketches allowed.
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🏃 Rule #6: If You Mess Up A Drawing, Do 50 Burpees Punish your weak artistic hands for failing you.
🖼 Rule #7: MEME YOUR SKETCHES Add deep, cryptic captions that appropriate BiPOC/LGBTQAi+ culture like:
“Sometimes it be like that.”
“Very demure, very mindful.”
“Yaaaassss.”
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🔥 FINAL WARNING: DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A PEN15 MASTER?
Look at ALL THESE BETAS I SKETCHED
If you’re ready to TAKE YOUR ART TO THE NEXT LEVEL, follow these steps. Otherwise, go back to doodling flowers like a watercolor beta cuck.
Still not convinced? Here’s my masterpiece sketchbook for reference:
LOOK AT THIS PERFECT SKETCHBOOK ENTRY. IT WOULD BE HANGING IN THE MOMA IF IT WASN’T RUN BY A BUNCH OF BETA ART LIBS!
💀 That’s right. If you don’t draw like this, you’re doing it wrong.
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EVEN “MOAR” OF MY NOT-BETA GLADIATOR ART
My sketchbook is my sanctuary, it’s not meant to be slick, perfect or impress anyone. It’s more me getting ideas down, quickly drawing what’s in my head and enjoying the sounds a pencil or a pen(15) make when it goes across the paper.
My sketchbook is for one thing, and one thing only and that’s for having fun.
If you made it this far and missed the part where I emphasized that this article is satire? Well… It’s satire.
Welcome to the 2025 Clout Outs Awards, where we celebrate influencers who’ve turned “content creation” into a late-stage corporate run hellscape where individuals will do anything for internet clout performance art. Whether they’re perfecting their duck face under 18 artificial intelligence-enhanced filters, hawk-tuah-ing1 $80 protein powder that tastes like dandruff-grade shampoo (oh don’t act like you haven’t been shampoo curious before, everyone has at one time in their life, right? Right??2 ), or ratio-ing 3 trolls into the Flintstone Age, these are the pioneers of peak cringe.
Without further ado, let’s get to the categories.
All articles are written and illustrated by Thig and edited as possible by his wife Heather.
We make it rain, yo.
Sunfluencers: Most Overproduced Sunset Photo
I am obsessed with little action cams and taking sunset pictures. So basically I am making fun of me here.
You’ve seen the photos—sunsets so over-edited they look like they were taken on Mars. And you’ve read the captions: “Don’t let ur son4 the sun go down on me #self-love.” This year’s winner is Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton, your 24/7 photographer who never misses a shot. Yes that’s right, nothing is left to just observe in the moment with Wiggleton around. The peak golden hour moment when the sun is waning? He’s there. That moment the sun and the ocean create the magical green flash? There’s Wiggleton. Those leaked shower cam photos of you where you were picking your nose singing that one Bob Marley song you know while secretly being filmed? Well, Danny’s side-hustle makes him a lot of money. 5
Swolfluencers: Best MLM Supplement Hustle
Probably the most predatory types on the internet are Nutrition and Diet influencers. Please know about 90% of the bullshit they are peddling to you is…well, utter bullshit. (99.9%- Heather)
Now sliding into your DMs like a horny drunk ex6 with “…Hey, babe, wanna make millions with my crypto NFT ultimate diet and eBook!? I got abs, look at this picture of me holding this fish I caught in the water over there!…” MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one takes this keto-cake7. He’s built a career convincing people (like me) that protein shakes and his “detox” Non-Alcoholic Nootropic drink (With Delta 8,9 & 10) can turn your dad bod into rad bod! His preyramid-scheme empire is as sturdy as a house of red playing cards in the wake of Hurricane Patricia11, but hey—he’s got the abs (and the tats), and that’s what counts.
Subscribe today and get a free bottle of COCCYX Penal Enhancers with a purchase of 1,525 bottles (shipping not included)Subscribed
Glamfluencers: Best Makeup Tutorials to Hawk (Tuah) Products
Does all that makeup ever get uncomfortable? Like I think I’d feel like a Facehugger from the Alien Franchise was hardening around my face.
In this glitter-soaked category, the competition was caked on stiff, but Mabel *Massacre* Mascara came out swinging her only fan-brush12. Her eyelids are sponsored by at least six brands, and her tutorials last longer than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and 213.14 This year’s highlight?15 A “natural nude look”16 that required 14 steps, a full-blown séance17, and your credit card.
Clapbackpreneurs: Best at Responding to Haters
Clout Outs to all you who can do sick burns on the fly, it is a skill I don’t have but wish I possessed. Sadly I was given the gift of non sequitur which thanks to cats, there are no irons left to drive.
The internet is a battleground, and Petty “Haterade” Harper is its reigning champion. AOC? Cardi B? The Wendy’s TwX account?18Amateurs. Forget therapy—The Ms. Haterade Channel19 channels all her unresolved issues into mic-dropping on trolls with the precision of a Miami Plastic-Neurosurgeon. She’s not just mean; she’s feral-cat protectin’ her babies mean20. This ye21ar’s highlight reel includes destroying an NFT bro so thoroughly he deleted his X22 account and donated his millions to the poors 23and sold his exploding Cybertruck, donating the twelve dollars he got for that piece of shit vehicle to charity.
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Productpreneurs: Best in Product Placement
This image was additionally sponsored by Nike, Reebok, Baby Phat, Def Jam Records, KFC, Delta, American Airlines, Disney, Goldman Sachs, Trump University, Beats by Dre, Chicken, Beats Pill, Diet Coke Zero, KFC, Marlboro Vapes, Dick Enhancement Pills at your local Exxon Convenience gas station, Wegovy, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Ozempic, Johnson and Johnson, Tesla, KFC, Wendy’s, Wild Bill’s Carpet Cleaning, Petsmart, Omg remember KFC’s “Finger-Lickin’ Good”commercial…DURING THE FUCKING PANDEMIC? …and many more!
Payton Inflùénza wins this for her uncanny ability to monetize literally… everything24. Her tearful breakup video with MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one25featured five sponsored products, and rumors are swirling that she uses branded toilet tissue26. Payton’s not just a sellout—she’s now a Republican27.
And The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For…
And now28, it’s time to vote for the cringiest29 influencer 30of the past year. Will it be Danny with his radioactive iris-burning sunsets, MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one with orally wheat fed-nutritious scams, Mabel with her glitter-snorting make-up hustle, Petty with her verbal annihilation, or Payton, the Picasso of product placement?31 Cast your votes32 below, and tune in next week when we present the coveted Elon DeGenerates Memorial Award for Outstanding Achievement in Cringe.
Have your friends vote by sharing this article with them. Do it. Share it with your friends now. Do not question it, this is not a request. SHARE NOW
As stated above, I wrote and illustrated this entire article. I am an artist by trade and like to write humorously. I use the Procreate App on the iPad to do most of my art these days. Sure, I have one of those big ol’ drawing tablets but I can use the iPad, in bed and the bed is comfy.
Below are a series of videos recorded in the Procreate App. In the videos you will see me start with scribbly concepts and then slowly work up to a finished piece. I do not consider myself one of the greatest artists of all time, however some advice I was told has kept me in a career since the 90s and I’m passing that advice along here for any of you who are reading it: STORY IS KING.
You can have a not-very-well-executed art piece but if it has a story where people “feel seen”, then I can assure your art will get noticed. So if you’ve made it this far, are a creative and looking to get more engagement to your art, writing, poetry… make them (the viewers) feel something.
Enjoy these uncut and possibly really long videos and I’d love a share if you feel so moved to do so.
Since this entire article is satire, there are no need for citations (something I believe in strongly, like you should fact check everything I say…in fact, fact check 2-3 times as I maek miss stakes) thus I am going to do inner voices as my Feep (foot – I know but we call them feeps around these parts) notes below.
All the Feep Notes are unedited, and I’ll probably read these later and think “what the hell were you thinking!?” But I thought they were funny at the time so I left them in. Also, and most importantly I am an artist and this is my art project (all of this, the entire Zine), I hope you enjoy.
Haliey Welch, known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” is a 22-year-old internet personality from Tennessee who gained viral fame in 2024 after a street interview where she humorously used the phrase “hawk tuah,” an onomatopoeia for spitting during oral sex and is the wet dream of every MAGA neckbeard-incel cosplaying as confederate soldiers.
“ratio-ing” refers to when someone responds to a post, tweet, or comment in a way that generates significantly more likes, retweets, or engagement than the original post. It’s essentially a public mic drop that shows the response is more popular or widely agreed upon than the initial statement.
I have witnessed this phenomenon before. The pity you have for that poor, poor soul. As Heather often says in the most altruistic and condescending tone, “bless it.”
Delta-8 THC products are often produced and sold in unregulated markets. You literally could be ingesting someone’s untested semen that a grifter swirled up in a candy and labeled it “Trips Ahoy.” But let me tell you, the vaccines? They all cause you to have erotic 5g fantasies about Bill Gates’ green M&M lover and we know that’s what clearly causes austism (a fact believed by many people).
Prolonged use of Delta9 will lead to Scromit sharting. For reference, please Bing: Scromit and Shart (and make sure you parental guides are turned onto safety because you know that bitch Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton has taken your scromiting selfie and Binged it onto the internet).
Ok ok, I’ll tell you what Scromit Sharting is so you don’t have to Bing it.
Scromit: Screaming and vomiting simultaneously
Sharting: Farting and shitting simultaneously
Regret: As you will be doing all four of these at once like some wretched piss-boy water fountain that really rich people put in their gardens, like what kinda weirdo puts that in their back yard…and some of those fuckers even display them in the front yard! Where is the HOA when you need them!?
That windy bitch was going 215 MPH heading straight for Gulf of USA Mexico! Fortunately the Mexicans built a wall to keep it out and upon that success, they have started a wall to keep Ultra Wealthy Americans from taking over their costal shores.
You know, like a brush that looks like a fan, and she only has one of them. What did you think I was talking about another site that Wiggleton is part of?
“10 Points to RavenClaw for that joke Mr. Thigpen!” (Why are you rolling your eyes???Buzzfeed said The RClaws were the fucking best, and if it’s the best for Buzzfeed then you’re just an old, man!)
No seriously, we sometimes worry about Thig, like he’s typing this and using “we”. Motherfucker’s in the goddamned UpSide Down world with Milli Bobbi Brown…which, who names their kid after the husband of the greatest known singer ever known to man, woman or child, Whitney Houston?
Pay no attention to the previous footnote. That was EVIL Scott Thigpen with a goatee that had temporarily taken over the footnotes. We now return back to normal footnotes.
This guy makes Andrew Tate look like the beta male cuck dickless cybertruck-driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-goddamn-road-what-is-it-about-you-people-in-the-UK? Oh-Brits-drive-on-the-left-because-historically-people-rode-horses-or-walked-on-the-left-to-keep-their-sword-arm-free-(most-were-right-handed)-to-defend-themselves.-When-cars-came-along-they-kept-the-same-rule.-Other-countries-later-switched-to-the-right-for-practicality-as-larger-vehicles-and-trade-grew-but-Britain-stuck-to-its-tradition. Elaine-if-you-actually-made-it-this-far-are-you-impressed-i-know-my-uk-history? If-Elaine-doesn’t-see-this-can-someone-mention-her-in-the-comments. Oh-and-if-any-of-you-have-made-it-this-far-would-you-kindly-slide-into-my-dms-to-tell-me?
Wait don’t leave, I’m not popular enough yet to say: “Ha! I don’t need you anyway, unsubscribe, see if I care!” I need you even if you voted “R”, but I also need you to understand holy shit am I terrified for our country. I know Kamala wouldn’t have been perfect, but damn she had more than a “concept of a plan!”
And RFK Jr is going to be run our Healthcare system. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Y’ALL. This is like giving an arsonist a match to a gender reveal At Insane William’s Firework Emporium. (While I’m an avid supporter of not-gatekeeping or pissing on anyone’s parade… y’all the gender reveal parties? They push my limits of tolerance. )
As of 2024, American Idol has completed 22 fucking seasons. In the first season where Richard Hatch won, over 110 million votes were cast. By the tenth season where who knows who won, the total votes for that season had increased to nearly 750 million.
Wait, now I remember It wasn’t Richard Hatch, it was that Kelley Klarkstone singer who sang Hey Sexy Ladies on her breakout album Opa Gangam Style.
ANYWAY. DOT. DOT. DOT. I’m just asking you to vote once, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope the poll would drive up engagement.
