Locals hate her, termites love her
MARFA, TEXAS—BREAKING. Blakely Livensilver, 33, self-described “Akaline Water Vibe Ambassador™️” from Austin, has entered Day 7 of voluntarily holding herself hostage—by a 40-foot plywood silhouette of an actor from the silver screen, James Dean.
Witnesses report Livensilver refuses to leave “until he finally looks up and notices me, the way men did before they discovered crypto.”
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Locals first spotted her last Wednesday pacing a dusty turnout on US 90, intermittently glancing at the cut-out, then coyly pretending to scroll her phone. When a ranch hand gently informed her that the leading man was, in fact, flat lumber from a 2018 art installation, she snapped: “YET ANOTHER MAN-EXPLAINER FORCING ME TO LIVE UP TO IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS!”
“She’s crazier than a sprayed termite on meth.” — Aunt Peepaw
“She’s crazier than a sprayed termite on meth,” says Marfa local Aunt Peepaw. “That wooden cutout of Dean is about as useful as tits on a Javelina hog. She needs to find her a fleshed out man—or at least a battery-operated one. And we’re talking extra-strength Duracells to energize that bunny.”
Experts at nearby Sul Ross State University explain Blakely’s condition as “Desert-Induced Latent Deparasocial Optimism,” or D.I.L.D.O., wherein a person mistakes two-dimensional celebrity effigies for potential soulmates. (Then again, I suppose anything could be a D.I.L.D.O. if you’re imaginative enough.)
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Marfa residents, seasoned veterans of peculiar art pilgrimages by rich people who are convinced they’re artists, remain unfazed. “Last year a Brooklyn influencer spent a week live-streaming herself shopping at Prada Marfa,” said Deputy Carl Ortiz. “At least Blakely picked a classic leading man, even with whispers of Legititbeeqwahplus.”
(Sadly, our reporter didn’t quite understand Deputy Ortiz when he said LGBTQIA+. But it sounded rather festive.)
With temperatures set to hit 190°F, authorities are monitoring the situation but note no laws prohibit citizens from courting hard wood. “It’s like our friend the woodchuck always asks,” Ortiz chuckled and added, “Would a woodchuck love a Wooden Chuck? Yes, I think he ‘wood’.“
Until the wooden “Dean” blinks—or a West Texas dust devil turns him into warped MDF—Blakely Livensilver remains heroically stranded by her own devices, proving once again that love may be blind, but internet clout is what a wood chuck really wants.
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Up Next!
Local child rescues a puppy found in 3 garbage cans, it’s ruff stuff. Film at 11
BTS (Between The Screens)
Heather and I went to Marfa, Texas, a few months ago. It’s one of the last small towns in Texas that still feels otherworldly. I loved every minute of it, despite getting caught in a dust storm and watching endless influencers pose in wide-brim hats and earth-tone dresses, a look now forever etched into history as “Marfa-Chique.”
I love merging my illustrations with photography. It’s incredibly satisfying to build a story this way. Every bit of satire here—writing and illustrations—is done entirely by me. No AI-generated shortcuts, just a young 52-year-old enjoying the craft. Here’s a timelapse of how I created this image. (Tasteful half-nekkid person in the video, so y’all behave.)
Art and writing by Thig. Edited by The Queen 🐝 , Heather.
