HAIR TODAY, GONDOR TOMORROW
Hairless horsemen demand bulk scalp elixirs at Gap of Rohan, but no there was no retail store to be had. They’d been told a BALD face lie which had them retreating shamefully, licking their Helm’s , Deep.
BUCKLEBURY, MIDDLE-EARTH — Disaster struck just after first breakfast when the Riders of Rohan, recently re-branded as Riders of Rogaine™, thundered into the Gap of Rohan, convinced the fabled mountain pass was a “luxe clothing-and-hair-tonic megastore catering to the High White Elves of the West.” Witnesses say the wig-sporting cavalry, who were “unbeweavable”, brandished half-crumpled coupons promising Buy One Vial, Get Eleventy-One Free.
Anchor: BARAD DAN RATHERION, reporting live from the Gap of Rohan
“BREAKING: RIDERS OF ROGAINE LEAVE SCALPS SHINING ACROSS WESTFOLD”
Leading the siege was Théodred “Head-Hunter” Follicular, heir to the Telogen Effluvium Empire. At the charge he lamented his scalp felt “thin….like butter scraped over too much bread.” His smooth-domed riders howled in agreement, spurring their horses with shouts of “WIZ-BROS FOR FRO(do)S!”
Dame Peepaw, night-wench at The Unholy Bush Inne, sipped her breakfast ale and told reporters, “I haven’t seen fear like this since that Ent showed up with vines wigglin’ everywhere. Townsfolk thought they’d be strangled. I was hopin’ it’d go full Frodo Shaggins on me—like in those Hen-Tie movies.
Lord Humboldt, lately chummy with possession guru Gríma Wormtongue, declared from atop a rickety podium, “Ever has baldness grown upon the dome of my brow…now it shall flourish upon my son’s comb!” (No Hobbits laughed at Humboldt’s terrible stab at puns, in fact we’re firing him…send in the Wargs or pig things, whatever they’re called.).
Summoned to restore order, Warden Ortiz dismounted, unrolled his citation ledger, and growled, “One does not simply walk into Bald-or.” (No Hobbits found this pun humorous, either).
Realizing the Gap “lacked retail space and loyalty points,” the Riders hung their naked domes south toward Mount Discount, where rumours whisper of a “Farthings General” chock full of Helm’s Deep Conditioner. Bucklebury barbers now predict a critical shortage of horsehair toupees and urge residents to shadow-fax sightings of equine wig thieves.
ENT & ENT ASSOCIATES – Ear, Nose & Tree Specialists
“Say goodbye to chronic ENT issues – and say hello to sap-based healing.”
UP NEXT — FILM AT THY-HOUR-BEFORE-MIDNIGHT
Local hedge-wizard, Neville, discovers Longbottom Leaf, gets Uruk-high B-Ratings. Viewer discretion is elf-vised.
Between the Screens
This week’s satire is a Lambus love letter to one of the first things I ever read on the internet that almost cracked my ribs in two- the CassieClaire’s Pervy Hobbit Fancier’s Journal on LiveJournal, circa early-2000s. Twenty-plus years later it still makes me laugh.
Now go wander and get lost!
