ICD-10 code X32.XXXS / L55.2
Melonia “Crispy” Glioma of Hurtsboro, AL, finally baked her way into glory on Sunday, August 24th, after confusing “bronzed goddess” with “rotisserie chicken.”
Known for treating SPF as “Satan’s Plastic Film,” Melonia believed the Lord’s rays were free chemotherapy…until they weren’t. Her devotion to tanning left her the color of a traffic cone and the texture of beef jerky, and neighbors claim she could light a Marlboro off her shoulder blade.
The church ladies say she’s gone home to Jesus, though several whisper He may send her back with a warning label. She leaves behind two ex-husbands, one tanning bed on layaway, and a daughter who swears she smells “like bacon in a funeral home.”
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations of aloe vera and fire extinguishers. Keep an eye on that mysterious bottle of tanning oil left behind at the rec hall.
