Jasper “Jubilee” Trentham, 38, of Snaggletooth, Georgia (pop. 311), was found dearly departed Monday morning in the parking lot of the Possum Tracks Bingo & Redemption Center, slumped over a still-wrapped mason jar postmarked from Whynot, MS.
The parcel, marked “Do Not Open Until Jubilee”, was allegedly pried open right after Jasper hit a blackout bingo. Moments later, witnesses say a thick hiss and a “sweet n’ sour fog” engulfed his station wagon. When EMTs arrived, they found only his body and a pile of nickels arranged in the shape of a cross.
He leaves behind a mother who “never liked mail,” two grown daughters named Ja’Naysia and Lemonade, and the town’s only working fax machine. May he rest in peace beneath Heaven’s pull-tab canopy.
Sheriff’s office noted the brine left behind a slick trail… leading directly to the foot of the prize table, where a vat of hog-calling trophies now appears compromised.
“Death don’t knock in Snaggletooth,” said Deputy Cleatus. “It just marinates awhile.”