Darla Fangtasy Jean died Friday on a church mission trip to Panama City Beach. The moment she stepped off the church bus into the noon sun, she erupted like a frog that swallowed dynamite in a Home Depot bucket sloshing with premium gasoline.
She had only just renounced her long devotion to vampirism, declaring herself a warrior of the Lord, convinced she could finally walk in the light again. The effort ended in a sudden burst of flame before her fellow Bible Warriors, leaving behind little more than a charred hymnbook and one youth with his hair burned clean off his head. (Update: the boy is now reportedly uncertain of his pronouns.)
Darla Jean will be remembered in equal measure for her fervor and her glowing vampiric eyes and most vividly the Sunday she drained the communion wine after mistaking metaphor for menu.
