3rd Grade Art Class Progress Reports
Thig’s latest attempt at portraiture has left me questioning both hygiene and intent. What was handed in looks less like a drawing and more like the aftermath of a clogged drain. Imagine a ball of public restroom hair with two startled eyes Sharpied onto it. That is the “face” your child has submitted for grading. Bless their confused heart, but this belongs in the museum of mistakes.
As for career prospects, let’s not talk about art. Thig is far better suited for Olympic glass-door collisions, which he has been training for daily…
At one point in my career, I witnessed an AI produce a horse with six legs and a face like melting clay. And yet, I…
This isn’t a forehead, it’s a witness relocation program for follicles. I could land a plane, build a Costco, and still have room for 6…
Dear wardens of this artistic outlaw, Your child’s so-called “Irish centaur luchador wrassler” looks less like folklore and more like folkloreclosure. He’s giving me 50…
Those that have gone on to visit The Jesus.
REMEMBERING
Darla Fangtasy Jean died Friday on a church mission trip to Panama City Beach. The moment she stepped off the church bus into the noon sun, she erupted like a frog that swallowed dynamite in a Home Depot bucket sloshing with premium gasoline. She had only just renounced her long devotion to vampirism, declaring herself…
REMEMBERING
Ed Lane sunk straight to heaven on Sunday afternoon after his green jon boat was capsized by an irate Southern Buffleheaded Duck while he was catfishing without a license
REMEMBERING
Common American Sense passed away this week, last seen clutching a Value Meal in the fluorescent glow of a gas station “deli.” Though it once thrived on gardens, neighbors, and paychecks that covered emergencies, Common Sense fell into decline after being force-fed Dollar Menu dinners and told to wait six weeks for an insurance approval…
Minutes From The Gripevine App
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Meet hot singles (with bail) in your area, tonight!
Inmate:
Case Number: CHKN-4421 Name: Rex “Peace Out” Paducah Age: 46 Height: 5’10” Location: Paducah, KY CHARGED: Subject was taken into custody following multiple civilian complaints at the McCracken County Livestock Exposition. According to sworn witness statements, Paducah engaged in repeated non-standard hand gesturing, specifically the formation of a “V-sign” delivered without interdigit spacing, hereafter referred…
Inmate:
Charged: Eating Nashville hot fried chicken with a fork, in Georgia. Ordinance 61-01 (1961) Looking for: A woman with a good outer layer of chitin, a waist in the shape of a thorax and her pronotum screwed on right.
Inmate:
Charged: Stalking a Circle K parking lot in a bathrobe yelling “Inferno!” with a Super Soaker full of gasoline.
🍎 Notes From Mrs. Pickens, 3rd Grade Art Teacher
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Thig’s latest attempt at portraiture has left me questioning both hygiene and intent. What was handed in looks less like…
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As for career prospects, let’s not talk about art. Thig is far better suited for Olympic glass-door collisions, which he…
Must be 7 in dog years to enter ( or 200 to 500 in Greenland Shark Years)
Local Model:
Her first big break came not with Pillow Sins but at the Speedee Mart in Spencer, Nebraska, where she learned the art of restocking Slim Jims and dodging men who thought “goth” meant “up for grabs.” With enough shifts mislabeled as “part time,” she scraped together $74.99 for a Glamour Shots session at the Norfolk…
Local Model:
She took a vow early—not of silence but of service—and became a chaplain aboard a naval vessel full of seamen. For decades she gave sermons in the stern and counsel in the bow, before realizing that her pension would barely buy enough Vienna sausages to last a season
Local Model:
Misty Muffington (born Mistella Jean Muffington) first took her breaths in the back of a borrowed El Camino during the Possum Trot County Pig Roast of 1977. Legend has it her first cry synced perfectly with a fiddle solo of “Rocky Top,” ensuring her future as a local folk tale wrapped in hosiery.
Breaking News! Eventually
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“Do You Buy Your Pants on Sale? ‘Cause At My House, They’d Be 100% Off!” – Brad “Lone Shark” Fruitdale,…
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Blind bathroom sprint ends in splash damage The Gulf was out. John insists the ocean is filled with “homosexuwhales” that’ll…
