Case Number: H3XX-07734
Name: Salem “Hex Wrangler” Carnage
Age: 42
Height: 6′4″ (7′1″ once the hat catches a signal)
Location: Cut and Shoot, Texas — pop. 1,226
CHARGED: Selling limited-edition possessed Stetsons at the state fair—hats reportedly whisper Toby Keith lyrics backward at 3 a.m. Patrons woke up speaking fluent goat.
Marital Status: Divorced from a tarot reader; she knew it would happen.
Offspring: One goth teen daughter named WednesdayThruSunday plus three fainting goats named Live, Laugh, and Carl.
Hobbies: Midnight line-dance hexes, bedazzling livestock, funding corrupt Texas politicians.
Looking for: A cloven two-stepper who can keep up, loves roadside devestation, and won’t scream when the hat demands blood oranges at dawn.
