Case Number: #Y0L0-1488
Age: 34 (but he keeps insisting he’s “forever 21” like the mall store)
Height: 5′10″ (6′3″ if you count the hat tilt and Air Jordans he financed at Rent-A-Center)
Location: Possum Grape, Arkansas
CHARGED: Arrested outside a Sonic for spray-painting “Thug Lyfe” on his stepdad’s PT Cruiser, then livestreaming himself throwing up gang signs he learned off Pinterest. Witnesses say he tried to pay bail with Chuck E. Cheese tokens, calling them “street currency.”
Marital Status: Technically married to the hustle, but also legally separated from Amber-Dawn (she kept the George Foreman grill in the split).
Offspring: Two human sons (Braxxston and Jaxsyn) and a bulldog named Lil Wayne Gretzky.
Hobbies: Collecting fake Jordans, rapping in a “trap country” accent, hosting Fortnite Bible studies, and mispronouncing Tupac as “Too Pack.”
Looking for: A shorty who respects real gangsta culture… as he interprets it from VH1 reruns. Must be down to ride shotgun in a Chevy Malibu with a bass boost that makes the trunk rattle like communion plates. “Will you be my Bonnie to this very white Clyde?”
