Case Number: D1X13-1776
Name: Cletus “Freedom Chow” McAllister
Age: 46
Height: 6′3″ (6′5″ when the mullet’s fluffed)
Location: No Name, Colorado , EXIT 119
CHARGED: Moonshine-powered lawnmower jump over a kiddie pool inside the Walmart garden center, live-streamed on Facebook Live (audio courtesy of a Bluetooth Beats Pill taped to his chest).
Marital Status: On-again/off-again with his cousin’s ex-wife—paperwork “in transit somewhere.”
Offspring: One teenage son plus a 12-ft inflatable hippo he calls “Lil’ Freedom.”
Hobbies: Custom-welding grills onto literally anything, competetive arm-sunburning, karaoke’ing Skynyrd deep cuts.
Looking for: A gal who can shotgun a beer before the parole officer makes it up the driveway. Spare muffler and low self-esteem preferred. That you, darlin’?
