Humptulips, WA—Chehalis for “Chilly Region,” which locals say feels “about right.”
“He kept looking through me, like I was a tree marked for wood to build the next Dollar General over on McNut Rd,” said local logger and proud Gen Xer, Chuck Chicory. “I ordered coffee at the Humptulips Coffee and Oil Change. Kid just slid the cup over, never blinked, then pointed at the tip screen. I feared for my life.”
Chuck’s story signaled that the Gen Z Stare has officially reached Humptulips. But Gen X? Like Elon, they are still trying to put the X on The Gaze.
Our field reporter and unpaid intern, Kaleigh-Anne Blakely, investigates:
On Tuesday, a group of Gen Xers filed a complaint against Cedar Phoenix—the town’s lone Gen Z barista/service technician—for “theft of The Gaze,” that thousand-yard stare Gen X claims to have invented during latchkey afternoons and Falcon Crest reruns.
“I did this look before Janeane Garofalo could spell sarcasm,” insisted Doreen McFlinch, 56, who hasn’t blinked since Reagan’s second term. “These kids, they’re just cosplaying our imagined trauma we parade around as a badge of honor.”
Cedar just shrugged. “The olds are big mad that we do it without wrinkles and cancer cells”
In protest, Chuck and other Xers launched “Operation Mudhoney”, with their first event planned at the coffee shop on Wednesday. They were demanding credit and emotional backpay for The Gaze.
As tensions grew, Mayor Humboldt attempted to defuse the situation by encouraging Gen Z to “smile more.” The Mayor’s current whereabouts are unconfirmed but it’s safe to say he’s at the bottom of three separate lakes.
Deputy Ortiz was dispatched to investigate Operation Mudhoney. Chuck and his crew refused to show when they heard the counter-protest wouldn’t form either.
Ortiz later filed his report: “Arrested protestors for refusing to get out of hand by refusing to show up. I feel stupid…and contagious.”
Coming up next: Residents gather for first annual Staring Bee. Gen X has already refused to show up in force. Film at 11.
