Breaking: Climate change traced to woman-made essential oils sold out of Sheila’s garage.
📍Lone Chimney, OK (Where the school, the church and the community center are all in the same building).
What locals thought was another meth lab behind Praise Be to Wifi Ministries (Password: Ez3kiel!2320KJV) turned out to be Sheila’s essential oil kit— apparently the root cause of global warming.
Our very tired field reporter Kayleigh Anne has the latest tea:
Local Reiki Healer and Manifestation Coach Sheila (pronouns She/La) was charged with causing the entire global climate emergency after attempting to make a WD-40 aromatherapy kit, during which she unleashed pumpkin-spiced aerosolized terpenes.
The terpenes were so strong they briefly resurrected Senator Jim Inhofe. He clutched at the air and shouted, “Global warming is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.” Locals squinted and asked, “Who’s Jim Inhofe?”
Then, obeying the same dumb laws of thermodynamics that once led him to wave a snowball in Congress, Inhofe himself puddled back to Hell, defiantly yelling, “IF THE CLIMATE’S CHANGING, WHY’S MY THERMOMETER STILL IN FAHRENHEIT!?”
As mandated in all small towns, people complained:
“Them vapors done got all 15 of my chakras outta whack and ain’t nothing vibratin’ right no more,” Local Aunt Peepaw, shift lead (and security) at Maverik 24-hour gas outlet said, “especially chakras 14 and 15, twisting up my Vishudda tighter than a Kinbaku knot.”
Mayor Humboldt issued a public service announcement of “100% facts believed by the people of Lone Chimney.”
“Listen, the ice caps can wait; what can’t wait is me staying mayor, so let’s all agree climate change is made up…until we get the ballots counted.”
*Update: Mayor Humboldt won by a landslide. Sales of F-350s at Humboldt Chevrolet skyrocketed. Karma, as always, declined to comment.
Citizens with at least a GED and minimal critical-thinking skills expressed concern over Sheila’s climate catastrophe. To assuage them, Deputy Ortiz issued this public statement:
“Recent forest fires are not evidence of climate change. Fire risk is heightened by reduced tree coverage behind Fanny Anne’s Dress and Tire Barn, fuel residue from off-road vehicles idling over at Tammy’s Tater Shack, and fireworks sales at Insane William’s Patriotic Pyro Palace Outlet. Obey burn bans and remain calm. This concludes today’s fire and safety update.”
When asked about the essential-oil kit, Sheila claimed she was evoking the 18th-and-a-quarter Amendment, which she states guarantees “The right to smoke Virginia Slim 100s’ indoors,” and interprets as legal cover for her aromatherapy diffuser arsenal.
Up Next: Local becomes the first person to successfully preheat a microwave for the Thanksgiving turkey!
