📓 Miss Pickens’ Progress Report:
Student: [Name Redacted for Legal Reasons But it’s Thig]
Subject: Whatever This hot mess Is Supposed to Be
Well, well. Looks like someone gave a box of colored pencils to a drunk octopus named Wolfi and told him to draw his sleep paralysis demon mid-vogue.
This figure’s trying to serve drama, but ends up looking like she slipped on a banana peel in slow motion and decided to make it fashion. That outstretched hand? I can’t tell if she’s shielding her eyes from the sun or reaching for the last brain cell trying to escape this composition.
And her legs-bless Thig’s smooth, soft brain. One’s doing a Charleston, the other’s filing for emancipation. Those platform heels? Ambitious and is that a reflection of what Thig wants to be when he grows up?? I’ve seen shoes drawn better by Nick Vujicic at a Baptist potluck lavishly thrown by Joel Olsteen
Then there’s the face…or, well, what sorta resembles a face (or a slice of pineapple pizza that was left in the back of the fridge for months). Her eye is staring so hard to the side it might be looking at a better drawing in someone else’s sketchbook. And why does every side-view head look like you started with a balloon and got bored halfway through inflation?
Now, to the untrained eye, this might look like a confident, dynamic sketch. But to someone with a functioning occipital lobe, it’s clear we’re still treating construction lines like spaghetti: just throw enough on the paper and hope something sticks.
Note for the file:
This student shows promise, but like George W Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” promise to find WMDs.
Let’s work on balance, readable silhouette, and not drawing like you’re afraid of commitment.
— Miss Pickens
(Still not your therapist. Stop calling me after 6.)
