Belmont, MI — After fourteen years of skipping pumpkin spice lattes, Cheryl Dobbins saved $2 million, just enough to afford a home in Detroit. She said she could’ve saved four million, but insulin had a way of eating through her down payments.
Mayor Humboldt, calling from his Boca Raton beach house with a frozen daiquiri sweating into the receiver, praised Cheryl’s restraint.
“This is personal responsibility in action. Anyone can give up coffee and joy and end up with four leaning walls and a roof that hums in a minor key if you just work hard enough and have enough GRIT. I salute her and most importantly, remember to vote for me, your favorite Michigan Mayor!
Local seat-foam engineer Aunt Peepaw wasn’t buying it.
“That gal gave up friends, daylight, hot meals, doctor visits, and even the little vibratin’ machine that hummed under her quilt on Saturday nights while she watched Bridges Over Madison County. All that saving for a house as small as motel mint which needs a subscription to Uber+ just to reach the nearest public bathroom.
At her housewarming, where not even her invisible friends showed up, Cheryl uncorked a 35-year-old bottle of Baileys Irish Cream she’d been saving as proof she had “made it.” The liquid had separated into sour layers, and clumps of congealed fat that looked like cold giblet gravy the day after Thanksgiving. She raised the rancid cocktail, toasted the ceiling fan, swallowed once, and collapsed. As she drew her last breath, the ceiling fan, hanging from it’s last screw, dropped on her head and proceeded to go “Fargo” on her as the blades continue to spin at a rapid pace.
Paramedics later listed the cause of death as ICD-10 Code:
T62.0X1A, W20.8XXA, S09.90XA, Y92.009
Translated, the ICD-10 code says: “I can’t even.”
By Monday, tech-influncers had already folded Cheryl’s hustle story into a keynote just after George W Bush’s famous quote,
“They misunderestimated me.”
Tech bros quoted her as proof of “making it” while selling Bluetooth powered mousepads that pictured an ai version of Cheryl with no pants on holding a bazooka covered in American flags, stamped with the words “NO DAYS OFF” in the Papyrus Font used in Avatar movies.
Coming Up Next: Local botanist discovers butterflies taste with their feet. Makes trillions on Only Fans with Butterfly Feet-N-Eat Pics
