Ed Lane sunk straight to heaven on Sunday afternoon after his green jon boat was capsized by an irate Southern Buffleheaded Duck while he was catfishing without a license in the Sea of Ringwood, Illinois.
Witnesses say Ed lassoed the waterfowl with his brand-new Shimano spinning reel and, in true Lane fashion, managed to strangle it with diamond-grade line. The rest of the flock, now angered, dive-bombed until his boat turned turtle and his lungs filled with baptismal murk. Locals swear that on any given Saturday night, after a few six-packs of Natty Ice, you can still hear his screams from the “quack attack.”
He will be remembered for borrowing everyone’s coolers without returning them and for refusing to take his shoes off indoors. The family requests a turducken for the potluck following the service.
Rubber ducks bearing Ed’s likeness will be 3-D printed and released ceremonially into the waters after Algernon Wiglin’s 4 p.m. baptism.
Death by Swan (2012)
In April 2012, Anthony Hensley, a 37-year-old man from Villa Park, Illinois, met his end not by storm, disease, or vice — but by swan. Hensley was employed by a company that supplied mute swans to housing complexes to scare off geese. While kayaking on a retention pond at the Bay Colony Condos near Des Plaines, a particularly territorial swan took offense at his presence.
The bird charged, flipped his kayak, and then circled him menacingly as he tried to swim to shore. Witnesses said Hensley surfaced several times before sinking for good. Tragically, he wasn’t wearing a life jacket, and his heavy boots and clothes made it harder to stay afloat.
Swan attacks are rare but surprisingly violent; mute swans can weigh up to 30 pounds with wingspans over 7 feet, and are known to defend nests by battering and even drowning perceived threats.
Source: ABC News
