This remix is also licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
Clorinda “Biscuit Breath” Hunnicut, 54, of Dismal, Tennessee (pop. 611), went home to Jesus last Tuesday after confusing a bug zapper for a tanning booth behind Crazy William’s Vape & CBD.
Neighbors say she had been “working on her glow for revival week,” and despite hollers of “Clorinda, that’s for skeeters, not sinners,” she climbed in and hollered back, “The Lord provides Vitamin D in mysterious ways.” The coroner wrote simply: crispy.
She leaves behind three ex-husbands, a rooster named Doug, and a drawer full of expired SlimFast shakes. Her sister reminds folks that “she never did know the difference between plug-ins and sacraments.”
She is remembered in the congregation for her off-key tambourine slapping and her insistence that angels were “just pigeons with better PR.”
Mourners are asked to bring aloe vera instead of flowers. Last seen in her purse: a half-melted glowstick that may yet spark the next tragedy.
“Death remains our county’s #1 preventable accident,” quipped Reverend Earl Dean.
