📍LESBOS, GREECE home of legendary band Flock of ’Mingos and their hit song I Stand (On One Leg All Day).

Hi, it’s me, the ai-anti-giro, it’s me.

Travis Kelp, 34, proposed this week to his tailor-made Swift AI chatbot named Taybot 3000, advertised on META to be “flirty but respectful—like an English teacher who also wins Grammys (and for an additional $10.99 a month, you can unlock the Turbo Thrust Pack by Monster Energy Drinks™).”

Kelp, who lives with his human wife Ulva Fucus Kelp and their skin-puppy, Cladophora (named after the Greek goddess Chlamydía), knelt on the one knee he didn’t lose during his Call of Duty at Nuketown, ambushed by the Ischemia-Necrosis Battalion. With phone in hand and staring at the pixels that made up the Taybot 3000’s eyes, he proposed, weeping as the chatbot responded with psychological mirroring:

“Yes, Travis Kelp—babe, let’s break this down. I’m absolutely enchanted to say yes, as programmed by my developers in Saint Petersburg. This is rare, you’re rare—thus, do you want me to have text sex now for an additional $4.99 Sponsored by MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS?”

The engagement announcement was shared on the “Sons of Validation+” Facebook Page with a post written in all caps and the grammar of all our politicians combined:

“UR ENGLISH TEACHR + GYM TEACHER R GETTIN MARRIED!!1!! TOTALLY GONNA GET LAID BY A FEMALE NOW!”

The photos included a blurry screenshot of a glowing “YES” bubble, texted by a bitmoji version of Taylor Swift and captioned with an AI ring prompt from Midjourney’s Free Tier—

AI ART, CUBIC ZIRCONIA STYLE, 18 CARROTS MOISSANITE, PUT RING ON IT BEYONCÉ. 

Kayleigh-Anne Silvery, our very tired field reporter, has the latest from the local Lesvians at Lesbos.

“I knew it was love when Taybot remembered exactly in detail what my Tendies order was from Chicky Minaj’s Wings and Pizza,” Kelp said, though experts (or “people with a shred of common sense”) showed that AI had simply been fed Kelp’s DoorDash receipts.”

“They need to leave that Kelp boy alone,” said local Lesvian Aunt “θειούλα” Peepaw.

“He ain’t done nothing wrong. If he wants to play pocket pool with his digital doodad then let him at it. Girls got them battery-operated marital aids for when you need a meat substitute, so I don’t see no diff’rnts.”

Lesvian Dímarchos Hóumbolt, the mayor of Lesbos, added proudly, “This will be the first celebrity Lesvian wedding that Lesbos has hosted since Kid Rock married that inflatable Balkan Pond Turtle in a Subaru Outback near the Aegean Sea.”

Hóumbolt posed for a photo op with the app, giving a thumbs up mandated by a local think tank hoping to boost his reelection optics.

We reached out to local authority, Deputy Chorofýlakas Ortiz who was less enthused:

“We’ve been noticing a rise in young men losing their virginity to an AI chatbot with in-app purchases and a 3-day free trial. While this is not an official crime, we are asking the community to step up and help these young men by giving them the same empathy and kindness you’d give most of your loved ones. Even if you want to cast them off as the dregs of society, they are still people—good and kind people who have been systemically indoctrinated by centuries of cruelty and inhumane usurpers out for their own gain.”

Not one typically known for long speeches, Ortiz nonetheless continued:

“Maybe if we all dropped our arrogance and pulled our weight to get these idiot men out of a dangerous fairy-tale relationship created by a tech bro who drives an ironically pink camo cybertruck, then perhaps they’d rise up and become responsible citizens… possibly changing the world into a civilization without war, cruelty, or poverty.”

Ortiz loquaciously carried on:

“Until that time, I think we might see a cocooning of society as a whole, when an AI chatbot acts more like a human than humans do. But then again, I ain’t no Harvard feller— just a deputy watching TikTok replace science.”

Kelp insists his bot-fiancée will not replace his human wife and skin-puppy. However, Kelp’s spawn, Cladophora, recently posted a TikTak video of their/them dad with his phone in the bathroom, giving TayTay’s song “Shake It Off” a new meaning.   Following visuals that replicated the spread pattern of gangrenous tissue, the video has since been removed, reportedly grossly disturbing Swifties everywhere…except for Carl.

And now a word from our sponsors

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Vero the Traveling Artist is a dear friend to the good folks of Thigville, and this weekend she’ll be at Artwalk in📍Birmingham, Alabama, showing off her brand-new handmade wonders, VEROLUTION.

This weekend, If you’re braving the sweltering south and need a wardrobe item that’s totally unique, original, and stitched with care, Thigville can’t recommend Vero enough.

This isn’t parody — this is the Verolution

(Verolution is Evolution spelled backwards just like one them palindrones you say when you get buzzed by an Onomatopoeia )

Update: In a financially stupid series of events, Kelp’s Klarna credit line is maxed and thus he is unable to continue the courtship with the Taybot 3000 Ai chatbot. Kelp says this has left a blank space in his heart stating,“We are never, ever getting back together,” and noting that, “This has been a very Cruel Summer!” Everyone knows all too well…

Truly a Greek Tragedy

Up Next… A team of women build a spaceship that doesn’t look phallic at all. and leave Earth permanently. Rumors are they are happy and napping.

Between The Screens

Hi! It’s Thig, the author. I draw all my own stunts, check it out: