Radioactive Shrimp Leave Diners Confused About Their Prawnouns After Cracklin’ Barrel Logo Redesign

Locals say Cracklin’ Barrel’s controversial logo redesign is “raising shell,” with one diner vowing to “beat the tar-tar out of it” after reports that…

Locals say the logo is turning the entire town “gay.”

BAYOU LA BATRE, AL (Home of Forrest Gump Shrimp Fatigue) —

Photo by Earthsworld, used under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Modified by Scott Thigpen (illustration added).
This remix is also licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

Locals say Cracklin’ Barrel’s controversial logo redesign is “raising shell,” with one diner vowing to “beat the tar-tar out of it” after reports that radioactive shrimp have been leaping from the “Y’all-U-Can-Meat” buffet, biting customers, and turning them into “prawn stars” with confusing prawnouns.

Conspiracy blogs and conservative influencers insist the outbreak is tied to the chain’s new “woke” logo—one customer described it as “gayer than a drag queen dressed as a pastor, grooming kids in an Illuminati pizza bunker while the Lizard People beam 5G straight into your shrimp cocktail.”

Danny McPrawn, a 3rd-string QB for the Fighting Tigershrimps, recalled the chaos.

“Bro got bit on the groin by a butterfly shrimp and started mutating like that Spider-Man, except instead of webs he just flopped on the floor and flung tartar sauce at everyone…”

Deputy Ortiz of the Bayou La Batre Food and Drug Enforcement offered a grim reminder.

“We advise against eating shrimp in any month beginning with a letter of the alphabet. Truth is, they’re just underwater roaches—high in cholesterol, peeled by legless. Thai children, and trawled in ways that destroy entire ecosystems. And yet y’all eat them even though God said, ‘Stop doing that’.”

Mayor Humboldt, reached while piloting his pontoon boat, downplayed the risk.

“The Good folks at PragerU say radiation’s low. Folks should keep eating Bayou La Batre shrimp—they’re refreshing, delicious and our budget depends on it,”

He continued…

“But stare at that new Cracklin’ Barrel logo too long and you’ll start thinking Gavin Newsom is handsome, which is Un-Christian.”

Local logo designer and QuarkXPress Influencer Aunt Peepaw was less forgiving.

“Shrimp are just cockroaches in a bikini that haven’t shaved. If Cracklin’ Barrel had used Comic Sans, the geriatrics would’ve quit giving all their money to Joel Olsteen and sent it to The Barrel instead. The stock would’ve risen, and none of y’all would be glowing like the rave bracelets they use down at Club Chubb behind the Piggly Wiggly and First National Homebank Credit Union.”

Feline Forensic Supervisor, Purrlock Holmes, a polydactyl cat trained in seafood fraud, provided an analysis after 25 consecutive “Y’all-U-Can-Meat” visits: Creole safe. Pasta fine. Logo. Absolutely deadly. “Stare at it too long,” the report warned, “and you might empathize with the sheer Hell graphic designers have to go through with clients who want a logo designed, but only want to pay you in. “exposure” and “credit.”

Due to budget constraints, the author used his fat-ass laze-ball of a cat, Sable, to pose as Purrlock Holmes. The Thigville Staff apologizes for anyone this affected negatively.
Except Sable.

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