Texas Woman Unleashes Sonic Ice Fury on Anti-Ice Protesters
What began as a peaceful protest melted into madness and a dog peeing on a civic medal.
Study Butte, Texas (population 200 — where it gets so hot a squirrel once fused to a trampoline mid-jump.).
A local woman sparked a full-blown hydration riot Tuesday after spotting a flyer for a protest demanding “the total removal of ice” from public life.
“Not in my town,” growled Jenny McSplay, budget clerk and former El Paso Hooters chicken waitress, before loading her 1999 Buick LeSabre with 242 pounds of Sonic-brand crushed ice.
Within an hour, she would shut down a protest, accidentally start a wildfire, and trigger a small pug into urinating on a civic medal.
📆 LIVE UPDATES: ICE PROTEST IN STUDY BUTTE
Event: Anti-Ice Protest Turns Into Full-Blown Hydration Crisis
Location: Study Butte, TX (Population: 200, Heat Index: “Satan’s Non-Deodorized Armpit”)
Reporter: Kayleigh (unpaid intern)
🕘 9:15 AM – Flyer Discovered
McSplay sees the protest flyer. Slams the trunk of her 1999 Buick LeSabre, packed with Sonic ice, two tupperware containers of quail eggs and a single flip-flop.
🕘 9:41 AM – Protest Begins
Seven people (3.5%* of the town) chant “NO ICE!” while holding lukewarm Dasani and plastic cutlery.
🕘 10:06 AM – McSplay Arrives
Opens trunk. Hands out Sonic crushed ice in 24oz Styrofoam cups “like a frosty Moses parting the heat.”
“This is the best ice in the fucking world,” says one protestor. “You chew it.”
🕘 10:38 AM – Conspiracy Breaks Out
A man known only as Log Truck speaks:
“I seen on the Tick Tack that ice got that Listerine fluoride in it. It’ll shrink your wiener, then you don’t get no babes.”
Several nod in agreement. No follow-ups recorded.
🕘 11:02 AM – Sonic Ice Converts the Masses
Protest becomes Sonic tailgate. Full-volume, the choir starts singing Old Town Road by Lil Nas X.
“Sounded like horny toads fornicatin’ in an industrial meat grinder,” says Aunt Peepaw.
“That kinda noise is for bedrooms… or the men’s room at Panther Junction Gas & Tackle down the road, second stall, knock three times and use the safe word ‘Virginia Slim.’”
🕘 11:39 AM – Drone Strike
Local influencer Clayborne Hogg’s drone (painted like a WWII shark plane) is taken out by a turkey vulture.
Crashes into Jæger Eldritch, age 9½.
Crowd screams “baby hammerhead shark!” No sharks found.
🕘 11:52 AM – Emergency Response Arrives
Deputy Ortiz and K-9 unit Pickles (traumatized pug, fears corn) arrive.
“Target was neutralized,” says Ortiz, smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes indoors.
“Pickles confirmed it smelled like Made in China.”
🕘 12:03 PM – Medal Ceremony & Urination
Pickles receives the Medal of Civic Duty. Immediately pees on it.
In Study Butte, this is considered patriotic and legally binding.
🕘 12:40 PM – Bonfire Ignites
Protestors torch 2,125,627,239 Sonic cups in a fiery declaration against “Big Ice.”
EPA says air quality is “toxic with a hint of Soylent Green.”
🕐 1:00 PM — Final Report Filed
Kayleigh files the story using milk carton and Dick Blick pen that crapped out after every fifth word. She ended her report with “I didn’t get my journalism degree from the University of Phoenix to end up like this, fr.”
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Between the Screens
This past Saturday, Heather, her mom, and I attended the “No Kings” protest here in Austin. It was peaceful, full of clever signs, and honestly kind-hearted energy—like the stranger who handed my mother-in-law an ice-cold water when the heat got to her.
This was only the second protest I’ve ever been to, and I’m always struck by how stepping into something bigger than yourself shifts the internal weather. Even when things feel bleak, being part of a collective moment sparks a kind of quiet hope.
After the protest, I immediately dove into writing this piece—illustration, fake ad, all of it. It’s been a 100mph sprint these last few days to get everything ready by deadline (which… is today).
I write and draw all of my satire myself (with Heather editing, beautifully and patiently). Below is a 30-second timelapse of my illustration process, start to finish, using Procreate on my iPad. The photo is from my iPhone.
And no AI was harmed in the making of this drawing.
