LOACHAPOKA, AL 📍– With the annual Syrup Soppin’ Festival just months away, the town of Loachapoka faced dwindling funds due to rising sorghum prices and what local Mayor Humboldt calls “a difficult time for the syrup economy, ruined by coastal elites …and George Soros.”
Sorghum syrup: a thicc & dark syrup made by crushing the necks of sorghum cane plants and then boiling down the juice—similar to how maple syrup is made except this is America (Maine 🍁 is not in America, not anymore.)
To address the financial shortfall, the town HOA sought sponsorship from national brands. The resulting partnership with Pabst Blue Ribbon and American Eagle Outfitters has almost all of the town cheering…. and some (about, one) individuals…jeering.
Little Blue Thrill
The controversy began after the release of a co-branded advertisement featuring local model Mrs. Lovett Sweeney Todd. Todd, a longtime Loachapoka resident recognized locally for her Civil War cosplay of a “Horizontal Recruiter”, and starring in many local adult instructional videos is now appeared in the festival campaign wearing an all-denim ensemble—better known as a Texas Tuxedo—while holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
The ad prominently displayed Todd’s cataract-blue eyes to compliment her Denim Armani, holding a (self-awarded) blue ribbon beer.
Initial reactions around town ranged from mild amusement to, like all voter turnouts, utter apathy. Aunt Peepaw, a community staple and fellow local actress who previously starred alongside Todd in theatrical productions, spoke positively about her involvement.
“Lovett and I performed in community theater here in the ‘Poka,” Peepaw recalled. “We had memorable roles together in productions like The Devil Wears Nada, Ghost Lusters III, and E.T.: Extry Testicles. She’s always been popular round here, especially with Dale down at Dale’s Hardware.”
Yet the campaign quickly drew attention beyond Loachapoka, after it appeared on various social media platforms used predominately by Baby Boomers, Waifu Bots and Russia.
Blues Clues
A viral reaction video posted by oil tycoon heiress, “🌜🦉Chantrelle Cherokeemon-Go Reddit Moddess 🦉🌛” of Olympia, Washington, accused the campaign of promoting “denim-based eugenics.” Chantrelle, who identifies as a Retro-Visual Typewriter of the Decidueye Tribe, stated in the video:
“ 🚫 Absolutely not! 🙅🏽 This is unacceptable 👎, I 👁️ have reported 📝 this to the MODS /ᐠ｡‸｡ᐟ\ 😾 ⛳️ 🤬 , #NeverNotGiveUp #no2genes #yesToLevi #Ackerman” pointing to what she called “white wing propergation [sic]” related to denim, genes, and Patriarchal Colonial identity.
The reaction video by Chantrelle garnered rapid national attention on top platforms like Rumble, Parler, Grindr, and OANN, quickly fueling heated online, all-caps, screaming matches between angry men with sunglasses, who get moist by the Joe Rogan Experience and eschew vegetables in their diet.
Conservative AM radio commentator Eugene “Libowner” Cartwright (Cartwright has asked for the viewers to know that it’s not pronounced “Lil Boner” and would greatly appreciate everyone respecting his feelings about the issue) cited the video as evidence of “elite coastal leftism” and labeled the backlash as “typical liberal listeria [sic].”
Amid escalating tensions, Loachapoka’s Mayor Humboldt defended the sponsorship deal, emphasizing that the town’s priority remained securing funds for the Syrup Soppin’ Festival.
“Folks, we had to secure funds. The radical left practically stole everything in this good godly town…except for that brand-new, mayoral edition Cybertruck you see over there,” Mayor Humboldt said during a press conference at the Waffle House near City Hall (not to be confused with the Waffle House across the street from City Hall). “We appreciate Pabst Blue Ribbon and American Eagle stepping up. If it takes selling blue jeans made by our friends’ newborn children in Guangzhou, Guangdong, while ‘Das Booting’ an overpriced self-awarded blue beer to keep sorghum on our biscuits, then durn-god it, that’s America and that’s what we’ll do! I stand by this statement!!!!! …as long as the numbers poll in a positive direction.”
What Can Blue ™ Do For You?
Festival organizers confirmed that American Eagle and PBR branding would appear prominently throughout this year’s festivities, including sponsored vendor booths, beer trucks and patriotic merchandise made by a Guangzhou neonate.
Attendees who purchase three pairs (or more) of American Eagle jeans through the Klarna payment app will reportedly (unofficially) receive special access to a limited-edition single batch of sorghum syrup infused with a small batch of Craft Pabst Blue Ribbon beer circa 1995 (a very fine year).
Despite online controversy and manly roars of boycotts, Loachapoka residents largely seem focused on the festival itself. “I don’t know anyone…other’n ’bout three folks give a frog’s right testicle about someone’s genes, pants, jorts… or choice of alcoholic beverage,” said local officer Deputy Ortiz. “They just want biscuits… fluffy, puffy biscuits. I ain’t heard no one say nothing about no genics or s’perior blue eyed folks being better than any other eye color…or people who ain’t got no eyes at all…or even like a dude with one eye covered like a pirate and his name is Tippy, Tippy The Pirate.”
Not typically a man of many words, Ortiz went on to say, “Locals enjoy they morning carbs, and are willing to put up with jeans made by Guangzhouian zygotes and sperms in a sweatshop. Oh, and beer that tastes like the expired gulf shrimp you bought at the Piggly Wiggly and left in the back of your car for weeks, in the hot sun while you say ‘Good GOD, wut is that smell?’ and then answer your own question with: ‘Oh it must be someone choking down a PBR with no deoderant on but mainly it’s the smell of the PBR.‘”
This article has been updated to note that Deputy Ortiz may suffer from a frontal lobe injury. Which is an awfully similar reflection to what the author’s wife has to describe “Thigville” to her sane friends.
The Syrup Soppin’ Festival is scheduled for October 25th, and the local HOA expects approximately 20,000 visitors, mostly parents dropping their spawn off at the loveliest university on the plains, near Loachapoka, which identifies as a Tiger and an Eagle simultaneously.
Town officials have assured the public that festival traditions will continue…with the snugness of a pair of stonewashed American Eagle Jeans and strawpedoing a cool PBR while doing a keg stand, upside down at your sons’ frat mixer.
Related Coverage:
- Sidney Sweeney to pose nude in denim jeans. Threes of people on the left are outraged enough to appear on Fox News.
- In a stern outcry from the fringe Alt, Alt-left, they have completely rewritten Crystal Gayle’s song “Don’t Make My Brown Ale, Blue.”. Protesters have been given instructions to play the remix VERY LOUD during daylight hours after 8 a.m. (and before 7pm).
- Local artist still jobless and broke, writes satire instead
(anyone out past 7pm will be locked in Grandma’s Pantry, for a week).
I draw all my own stunts
(I’m not kidding!)
In an age where narratives about Ai are very pervasive, I use Procreate to draw all my work.
