📍Chunky, Mississippi

After completing the Murph Challenge in a personal‑best five hours flat—with 407 grunts, 25 free‑weight drops, and three scoops of ivermectin disguised as creatine—local resident Bryce “MeatFlag” Hannigan Jr. emerged from Chunky’s only CrossFit gym called The Thrust Temple, drenched in sweat, patriotism, and early cardiac foreshadowing.

The Murph ( ˈ m ɝ f )is a yearly American Crossfit ritual where suburban men and women wear jorts and then: run a mile, do 100 pull-ups, 200 push-ups, 300 squats, run another mile.

Anthropologists believe it’s how modern tribes prove worthiness in their cul de sac before collapsing onto a broken folding chair with a Natty Light. Many times there’s involuntary yarfing in which people post a selfie of thesemelves in mid-hurl of an energy shake that has the consistency of snails and mayonaisse.

It also has something about the number 24.

Wearing a compression shirt—Spanx for his “abdominal snack area”—Hannigan’s chest bore a distressed American flag, the number “24,” and the phrase “Earn. This. Freedom.” He saluted his reflection in a gas‑station window and declared himself “ready for deployment—mentally, physically, and hypothetically.”

Our very tired reporter, Kayleign-Anne caught up with Hannigan and asked him about his recent Murph attempt in which he responded non-sequiturly (and not surprisingly) with “If some libterd cuts me off on Highway 80,” he wheezed, “they’re getting the ball‑peen hammer. And that peen… is me.”

Hannigan, who once owned a Rottweiler–Pug mix named Sergeant Onorato Cuddleknob, has never served in the military.
“I would’ve,” he explained, “But Biden made me wear a mask one time and that was a direct violation of the Geneva Suggestions.”

Papa Murph Sez: “It’s a proud day for Chunky.”

Mayor Humboldt praised the feat, in a celebratory speech under the awning of The Thrust Temple CrossFit Garage.
“We’ve officially put our town on the map—right next to Crazy William’s Firework Emporium and across from the Dollar General Baptistry. Our CrossFit ministry, The Book of WOD, now has a waiting list… and also a waiver to keeps our insurance premiums, low.”
Humboldt also thanked local fabricator Saul Pavoy for designing the new Honor System Dumbbell Rack, though no one has returned a single weight.

Murphed by AOP

“I did Murph once,” said Aunt Oriphii Peepaw, local meat wrapper with Dale… down at Dale’s Produce, “Wouldn’t say he lived up to the hype, but we had us a time in Room 9 of the Best Value Inn over in Meridian. He shared his “Slim Jim Original Fatty” with me. Real meaty connection that night in Room 9, real meaty…”
Aunt Peepaw’s tale was later memorialized…graphically, by local gossip Carolyn Neely in her “Daily Sunshine 🌞” Substack Holiday Romance newsletter, The Forbidden Moisture.

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Murph Madness, From de Heer to Eternity

Deputy Ortiz reinstated the town’s No Jorts ordinance, in response to Hannigan’s preferred nether-pants and after several locals arrived at Shuck‑A‑Bug brunch hour similarly attired in “Joga Pants” and “Jongs”—fitness denim hybrids that would make Levi Strauss weep.

“I don’t mind folks doing the Murph in comfort,” Ortiz stated, “but this is a God‑fearin’ town. You don’t walk into brunch in moisture‑wicking jorts like you own the damn pew.”

The No Jorts rule returns after the famous De Heer Incident, when a traveling yoga instructor from Amsterdam misunderstood “Dress in your Sunday best” and showed up in pre‑waxed jongs, an Amsterdam Sunday Tradition.

Despite dehydration—and torn vocal cords from reciting the Pledge between pushups—Hannigan promised a comeback.
“I’ve been bulking up on crawdads at The Bug. I’m comin’ for glory at the CrossFit Unified National Tactical Strength in Yazoo City next year.”

Hannigan was later hospitalized for shortness of breath and arteries clogged with Cojone Mignon™ spornts drink/cologne. He’s expected to make a full recovery, pending divine intervention, a three‑pack-a-day cutback on Lucky Strikes Unfiltered Smokes, and dietary changes that will not happen.

Freedom ain’t free, and neither are hospital visits, A GoFundMe has been setup for Hannigan.

Between The Screens

Before there was Ai, there were human hands to create art and I still use my human hands to do just that.

Coming up after the break, Local Farmer, Eufel Langsqartuir grand opening for the Highway 80 Meth Lab Emporium shut down by authorities for not meeting code requirements regarding asbestos.

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