Yazoo City, Mississippi local Carl Stratensburg claims newly appointed Pope Robert Francis Prevost secretly supports furries by installing litter boxes in public schools.
“I seen him myself,” said Stratensburg. “He come rollin’ through after that terrible ‘nader hit Yazoo, tearin’ ever’thing up. Wind grabbed Aunt Peepaw’s panties and sent ‘em clear into the Gulf of Merica.”
Mayor Humboldt quickly addressed the scandal:
“We won’t stand for it. Folks lose everything, you don’t just deliver canned goods and cat litter. That’s what thoughts and prayers are for.”
Terrified, residents stocked up on guns and cat-proofed their homes.
Reached for comment, Aunt Peepaw confirmed, “Bless it, wind just grabbed aholt of my unmentionables and raptured ’em into glory.”
Asked about aid from the Pope, she replied, “That man handed me canned goods and cat litter. I told him flat-out: ‘Sir, I ain’t no furry. That ain’t Christian.’ But truth be told, that litter come in right handy for grease spills, moisture control, pest deterrent. Even used it as clay base for church pottery class, which now meets in the school gym since the church got leveled after some of the congregation went woke.”
The Vatican, or “Catican,” as locals now call it, declined to comment. Pope Prevost ended evening prayers with a solemn “meow culpa,” interrupted by a laser pointer dot dancing across the balcony, fueling further speculation.
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