Velvetta Burndale
Personal
- Age: 61 years young
- Born: Monday, August 23rd, 1963
- Years active: 1984–2001 (started at 21; officially retired at 38, unofficially never)
- Birthplace: Crutchfield, Kentucky, United States
- Nationality: American
- Ethnicity: Caucasian
- Professions: Actress, Recline Model, Pillow Sins Showpony (retired-ish)
- Sexuality: Practicing Straight (licensed in two counties)
Body
- Hair color: Dusty Auburn with sunproof gloss
- Eye color: Hazel, but with motive
- Height: 5’7” (170 cm)
- Weight: “Ask my left thigh” (approx. 124 lbs / 56 kg)
- Body type: Carved Hourglass (worn soft at the edges)
- Measurements: 38-25-39
- Bra/Cup size: 36C (that’s 36 inches under the band, in case you’re curious what’s holding her up)
- Boobs: She says “Real” — her chiropractor says “Burdened.”
- Pubic hair: Feral / Seasonal / Cooperative
Velvetta Burndale (née Brenda “Veet” Colettis) was born behind a bait shop in Crutchfield, Kentucky, during the Perseid meteor shower and a minor barn fire. Her mother, a known contortionist and amateur muffler thief, raised her on a steady diet of cornbread, pageants, and mild suspicion. She was valedictorian of her class at Old Lick High School and was briefly enrolled at Southwestern Missouri’s Institute of Applied Touch but withdrew citing “excessive friction.”
Before her rise to Pillow Sins glory, Velvetta worked as the Unlicensed Mascot for a chain of Auto-Tinting Warehouses, where her red boots and slow descent from the hood of a Monte Carlo earned her the nickname “The Heat Shield.” That’s also where she learned to arch without injury.
Discovered in a calendar shoot for Bozeman’s ‘Muck & Miracles’ Spa, she quickly became a household name in households where no one answered the door. Her Pillow Sins career peaked during the VHS era with back-to-back features in “Soft Focus / Hard Corn” and “Velvet on the Rocks 2: Refused Entry.”
She was also the inspiration for a discontinued shade of upholstery dye and nearly sued by the state of Tennessee for making their state flag “inappropriately sentient.”
Her favorite quote is by – David Hasselhoff
“I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me.”
