Verna Fay Velour
Personal
- Age: 61 years fermented
- Born: Thursday, July 6th, 1964 (Bicentennial hangover baby)
- Years active: 1983–2002 (took two sabbaticals: one for devotion, one for denim)
- Birthplace: Rainsville, Alabama, United States
- Nationality: American
- Ethnicity: Ambiguously Appalachian
- Professions: Demo model, lint trap consultant, Pillow Sins alum (Class of ‘89)
- Sexuality: Allegedly straight (but don’t ask her about Panama City ’96)
Body
- Hair color: Ash cherry (what the bottle said)
- Eye color: Overcast plum
- Height: 5’8” (172 cm, but 6’3” in attitude)
- Weight: 119 lbs (54 kg)
- Body type: Slender with implication
- Measurements: 36-23-38 (all verified by the local taxidermist)
- Bra/Cup size: 34C (C = “Come again?”)
- Boobs: Yes, plural. Confirmed natural, unpermed.
- Pubic hair: Present, patterned, and patriotic
Name: Verna Fay Velour
(born Verna Delphine Jo Rae Grackle-Velour, 1964, Rainsville, AL)
Verna Fay was conceived during an off-brand fireworks accident in a Shoney’s parking lot. Her mother was a palm reader and parking attendant; her father, a traveling velcro demo rep from Elko, Nevada. Raised on expired Grape-Nuts and secondhand horoscopes, Verna developed a talent for seduction early—usually involving a pie tin and a Little Debbie Swiss Roll.
Educated (almost graduated) at Gumption Valley Technical School of Rural Marketing and Moisture Sciences, she majored in Seasonal Drapery with a minor in Improvised Climates. She left 2.5 credits short of a Moisture Sommelier Certificate.
Verna’s rise began at the DeKalb County Sonic, where she invented “side-eye tipping” and wore platform skates donated to her by Tonya Harding. She caught the attention of a retired gaffer from Hee Haw who whispered, “She got that look. The one that won’t return your calls.” That moment launched her Pillow Sins legacy.
She starred in:
- “Spread Count Confidential” (VHS-only, retracted)
- “Moan & Country” (unrelated to the country music genre or any narrative coherence)
- And appeared briefly in the regional hit “Southern Comforters: Night 4” (credited as “Woman Near Sink”)
- Outside the sheets, Verna was a professional bra-snapper for Cornhole Quarterly, served on the Soft Furnishings Advisory Board of Talladega, and held the title of Unofficial Moth Queen of Eastern Alabama (’92–’94).
She retired in 2002 after a brief but intense relationship with a ceiling fan installer from Cullman.
