📍Ohoopee, Georgia — Population: 29 (or 30 if you count the town ghost).
Tensions reached a boiling point this Tuesday when Mayor Humboldt was challenged to a winner-takes-the-town cage match by self-proclaimed “civic webmaster and social media moderator” Bocephus Clayburn-Holler, Jr. The proposed brawl, which was to be held inside the parking lot of the abandoned Post Office (abandoned since 1953—rumors say a ghost named Ardnell still haunts it), was described by organizers as “a peaceful transfer of violence.”
“This is how real men settle democracy,” Bocephus belched into a little red-and-white megaphone he brought from home. “No more rigged ballots. Just a god-blessed match and absolutely NO kayfabe!”
(Sadly our very tired reporter, Kayleigh, didn’t know “kayfabe” meant “to pretend that everything in wrasslin’ is real” and thought he meant “kabab”, so now she’s hungry… and still very tired.)
Mayor Humboldt responded by taking off his shirt and eating a pork chop that he’d saved under his left moob. “You wanna roll, boy? I was born in a hog slaughterin’ trough and baptized in Diet Mountain Dew Code Red during intermission at the Monster Jam Finals. Let’s dance!”
Mayor Humboldt taking down Clayburn-Holler Jr with the old “Quarter Pounder Whopper” move.
Aunt Peepaw, longtime Ohoopee matriarch and lead footwasher at the Piney Woods Holiness Parsonage, told our reporter:
“I’ve slept with both of ‘em, almost at the same time,” she said, adjusting her oxygen nasal cannula. “Let’s just say patience ain’t the only thing they short on.”
The match, however, was derailed when Clayburn-Holler, Jr’s mother, Mrs. Ohara-Clayburn-Holler-Stavrose (recently widowed and now filthy rich) pulled up in a white Escalade and laid down the law. “Bocephus Clayburn-Holler, Jr, you are not getting in a cage with that marbled meatloaf of a man unless you finish your snack and wash your hands. And I mean with soap this time—not those damn crypto wipes.”
Bocephus was last seen sulking in the backseat, furiously eating his ants-on-a-log and tweeting about “censorship by the woke mob of Northern Aggression.”
Deputy Ortiz, who had been stationed nearby to monitor potential shirtlessness-related violations, was asked for comment but simply shook his head and radioed in a code 42 (“White Men Gesticulating within a 6’ radius”).
“This town deserves a mayor, not a main event,” he muttered. “These two couldn’t lead a dog to a fire hydrant during mating season.”
Observers noted eerie parallels to the recent real-world spat between The High-Salutin’ Musk and The Stable Genius Trump, who spent the last several days LARPing as Tyson vs. Holyfield (it was an ear-biting experience!), casting shadows of impotence over two separate empires of ego.
While national media speculates whether Musk and Trump’s online tantrum is a diversion, a psychosexual mating dance, or simply two billionaires acting like adolescents sentenced to detention, Ohoopee has decided to take the high road: ignoring all of it completely and continuing to elect mayors based on pie-eating contests and number of feral hogs wrangled.
Coming up next, Dan Quayle disqualified from the Annual PotatoE Salad Spelling Bee after spelling “mayo” with a K. Film at 11.
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Between the Screens: I’ve always loved drawing illustrations over photographs—kind of like they did in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. There’s something oddly satisfying about blending an animated face into a real-world image, making the two feel like they belong together (or at least like they’re trying). Below is a 30-second video of me creating today’s illustration.
Yazoo City, Mississippi local Carl Stratensburg claims newly appointed Pope Robert Francis Prevost secretly supports furries by installing litter boxes in public schools.
“I seen him myself,” said Stratensburg. “He come rollin’ through after that terrible ‘nader hit Yazoo, tearin’ ever’thing up. Wind grabbed Aunt Peepaw’s panties and sent ‘em clear into the Gulf of Merica.”
Mayor Humboldt quickly addressed the scandal:
“We won’t stand for it. Folks lose everything, you don’t just deliver canned goods and cat litter. That’s what thoughts and prayers are for.”
Terrified, residents stocked up on guns and cat-proofed their homes.
Reached for comment, Aunt Peepaw confirmed, “Bless it, wind just grabbed aholt of my unmentionables and raptured ’em into glory.”
Asked about aid from the Pope, she replied, “That man handed me canned goods and cat litter. I told him flat-out: ‘Sir, I ain’t no furry. That ain’t Christian.’ But truth be told, that litter come in right handy for grease spills, moisture control, pest deterrent. Even used it as clay base for church pottery class, which now meets in the school gym since the church got leveled after some of the congregation went woke.”
The Vatican, or “Catican,” as locals now call it, declined to comment. Pope Prevost ended evening prayers with a solemn “meow culpa,” interrupted by a laser pointer dot dancing across the balcony, fueling further speculation.
⸻
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THE COST OF VANITY (AND WHAT IT COULD’VE SAVED)
Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation? $200,000.
What that could’ve funded instead:
200,000 meals for hungry children
20 emergency shelters
2 rural clean water systems
But that’s just one syringe-sized sliver of billionaire behavior.
MUSK’S DAILY INCOME: ~$27.4 MILLION
With that much every single day, Elon could:
Build 27 clean water systems
Fund 27 million school meals
Provide basic income to entire small nations before brunch
Just one pill (with a 20 year contract subsidized by Klarna Credit) and you will become Bro Brogan the Broprah of Betas
MONTHLY INCOME: ~$833 MILLION
In a single month, he could:
Give 833,000 people $1,000
Fully rebuild Flint, Michigan’s water infrastructure — with funds left over to give every resident a therapist, a lawyer, and a sandwich
ANNUAL INCOME: ~$10 BILLION
That’s enough to:
Feed the world 10 billion meals
Build 10,000 clean water systems
Fund 1 million emergency shelters
Or just maybe… go to therapy to gain some insight and develop a little empathy to finally stop being the final boss of sociopathic capitalism
AND YET…
Instead of solving actual problems, he bought Twitter. Rebranded it to “X.” Ran it into the dirt.
And now? The U.S. government is floating millions in ad buys to keep the platform alive — yep, with your tax dollars.
Washington Post, Dec 2023: “Government advertising has helped prop up X’s revenues during a time of private sector retreat.”
IMAGINE THIS:
The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion. If each of them gave just 10% — not of their total wealth, just their yearly growth — that’s $250 billion.
Each pill contains 30mg of Riboflavin. Riboflavin is what suppresses your immune system against the Fauci vaccine developed by Bill Gates’ 5g Phone
With that:
You could end world hunger for six years
Provide universal clean water access for two years
Or give every American citizen $757 in cash, just because
But instead, that money funds:
Chin implants
Algorithmic ego boosts
Cosmetic delusion masquerading as power
…
You know what? Let’s keep throwing gasoline on this flaming Port-a-Potty of hypocrisy.
Because apparently, facts are the real threat now. So let’s break it down… with analogies for the fuckboi bros in the back listening to Creed on their Android phone instead of me.
ONE MORE INJECTION OF TRUTH
In 2019:
80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men
Among minors? 97%
Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth? Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it. (And almost all of them do so with full medical, parental, and psychological support.)
So let’s make this simple:
I have compiled a number of analogies on straight bros getting moob jobs vs the trans kid who feels like they are wearing a costume.
For every 100 chest surgeries performed in the U.S.:
80 go to cis men with moobs
Less than 1 goes to a trans teen
But guess who’s called a threat to society? Hint: not Chad.
That’s where we are. That’s the conversation. That’s the hypocrisy.
But for those who still need a little help understanding the hypocrisy I’ve devised a list:
For those who like the sports ball
Imagine 100 players in a locker room, naked slapping each other on the ass. 80 of them just got breast reductions. All cis men (that are slapping each other’s bare ass because they won the big game) One trans teen did too — with a doctor’s approval and their family’s support.
Guess who gets booed by the coach, the crowd, and Congress? Spoiler: it’s not the linebackers with lipo.
For those who believe in the American Pie
Picture a pie chart of chest surgeries in the U.S. 80% are for cis men thirsty for MILFs 19.9% are for literally everyone else. Less than 1% is a trans teen seeking gender-affirming care.
And suddenly, that one slice is “too political” to exist.
For the Air Raged
TSA line. 100 people walk through. 80 had moob reductions and 15 cocktails at the overpriced airport bar then get drunkenly entitled, cause a scene, get drug to jail and pardoned by the Orange id because, freedumb. One is a trans kid who got top surgery after years of therapy and medical review.
Guess who gets the “random” pat-down? (America: protecting freedom from the people trying to live it…also all those straight dudes in the locker room patting each other down.. but like #no-homo.)
And for the fast foodies
100 orders come through. 80 are cis dudes screaming “No more McMan-titties!” while ordering a McSlurpie Xtreme(remember when McDonalds’ entire menu was Xtreme Burgers and such?) One is a trans teen quietly asking for the same exact surgery.
And the fry cook calls Fox News. Itsa crazy! 🤌
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BROTOX™™™ may be satire. But the hypocrisy? That’s painfully, surgically, injection-by-injection undeniably true.
CITATIONS
💉 Medical & Surgical Statistics
Context from article: “In 2019: 80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men. Among minors? 97%.”
Explanation: A 2023 study published in JAMA Network Open found that in 2019, 80% of adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender males, and among minors, 97% were performed on cisgender male teens.
Context from article: “Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth? Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it.”
Explanation: The same study reported that the rate of gender-affirming surgeries among minors aged 13 to 17 was 2.1 per 100,000, equating to approximately 0.0021% of U.S. minors.
Context from article: “Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation? $200,000.”
Explanation: While exact figures are unavailable, estimates for hair transplant procedures range from $20,000 to $50,000. Additional cosmetic surgeries could cumulatively cost upwards of $100,000 to $200,000.
Context from article: “The U.S. government is spending taxpayer dollars on ad campaigns on the platform—to the tune of millions.”
Explanation: In 2023, political campaigns and related groups spent over $4.5 million on advertising on X, contributing to over 1.2 billion impressions.
Context from article: “The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion.”
Explanation: As of April 2025, the combined net worth of the top 26 billionaires is approximately $2.5 trillion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.
Context from article: “You could end world hunger for six years.”
Explanation: The UN World Food Programme estimates that ending world hunger would require approximately $40 billion annually, totaling $240 billion over six years.
Context from article: “Provide universal clean water access for two years.”
Explanation: Achieving universal access to safe drinking water and sanitation in 140 low- and middle-income countries would cost about $114 billion per year, totaling $228 billion over two years.
Ever Wonder Why Thig’s Sketchbook Gets Likes While Yours Gets Lost in the Algorithm Abyss?
🚨 ART FAILURE ALERT: WHY YOUR SKETCHBOOK IS A DISGRACE 🚨
Are you tired of posting your sketchbook online, only to get zero likes while some Beefy Chad Artist like Thig gets dozens (sometimes fives!) of likes? Well, it’s not your fault. Your art just isn’t Alpha enough.
If you don’t subscribe to my elite alpha newsletter, THEN DO U EVEN DRAW?Subscribed
Look at this cat, LOOK AT THIS CAT! This cat thinks your sketchbooks are WEAK AS AF!
But don’t worry—I got you, (my only) fan.
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Look at this sketch I did! THIS SKETCH MAKES YOU LOVE AMERICA! IT IS THE BEST SKETCH. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. IT.
But how, you ask? Simple. Follow my guide to MAXIMUM ARTISTIC DOMINANCE.
🔥 The Secret to Art Mastery: The PEN FIFTEEN Club 🔥
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WHEN WOMEN SEE MY SKETCHES THEY INSTANTLY BECOME SHIRTLESS!
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Joining the PEN15 Club will GROW YOUR ARTISTIC STAMINA by 5490% and make your sketches SO HARD, people will assume they were carved into marble by Michelangelo’s jacked reincarnation. That’s REAL SCIENCE, baby!
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You Join by SUBSCRIBING IN PENCIL! NO ERASERS ALLOWED!Subscribed
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A PICTURE OF NED AND EDNA! THEY TOOK THE PEN15 CHALLENGE AND BECAME HARDCORE ALPHAS AND ALPHETTES!!
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Compressed charcoal powder – Gives you veiny, vascular pencil strokes.
Ink extract from ancient forbidden scrolls – Makes you immune to bad anatomy.
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OMG DO YOU EVEN SUBSCRIBE!? Do I need put subscribe pops up in this to TEACH YOUR LIMP WRISTED NO SUBSCRIBING SELF TO SUBSCRIBE!”Subscribed
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💥 WARNING: Side effects may include overwhelming sketchbook dominance, spontaneous mustache growth, and an inability to stop talking about composition.
💪 REAL TESTIMONIALS FROM TOTALLY NOT-MADE-UP PEOPLE 💪
SUBSCRIBE TODAY AND GET A FREE BOTTLE OF DUNNING KRUGER WITH YOUR PURCHASE OF $2,503,252.94 (shipping not including. Void in Beta Cuck countries like Canada and Mexico.)Subscribed
(Did I mention this article is satire?)
IF YOUR WORK DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT’S ON ROIDS THEN UR DOING IT WRONG!
📣 “Before PEN15, my sketches were flaccid and uninspired. Now, they’re so hard, they could break cinder blocks. Thanks, Thig!” — Beefy Art Chadbot, 37
Be like Beefy Art Chadbot (who is a totally real person) and subscribe!Subscribed
📣 “I followed Thig’s method and now my sketchbook is so heavy I have to lift it like a powerlifter. My biceps are as developed as my cross-hatching skills.” — Some Guy on Instagram With Too Many Neck Veins
Larry couldn’t get babes until he subscribed to Thig’s PEN15 club! Now he’s an ALPHA CHAD, OWNING LIBS ON r/Art!Subscribed
📣 “Leonardo da Vinci’s ghost appeared to me in a dream and personally approved of this method.” — Anonymous Sketch Chadbot, Possibly Michelangelo’s Reincarnation… or a bot.
💪 The ULTIMATE CHAD ARTIST CHECKLIST:
You do not need any other list than the one below. But you should subscribe first!Subscribed
DO LINE PRACTICES 25 HOURS A DAY TO GET THE HOTTEST TRAD WIFE BABES WHO TOTALLY DON’T HAVE A HIGH BODY COUNT. (Unless you’re my wife and by body count, I mean the people before me who have crossed her and ended up in the basement, very still and covered in lime to mask the smell.)
Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Sketchbook Titan?
ARTISTS HATE THIS ONE TRICK: SUBSCRIBE AND FIND OUT THE SECRETSubscribed
Doubtful! But follow these guaranteed tips and (maybe some) babes without underwear will be powerless when they see your work!
1️⃣ Get a Pencil – But not just any pencil. You need one with ROCK-HARD LEAD, because you’re about to sketch with the force of a thousand Greek sculptures.
2️⃣ Get a Sketchbook – But make sure it’s expensive and hardbound, preferably made from endangered rainforest trees and bound in artisan male yak-leather. Anything else is for artistic weaklings.
3️⃣ Post Your Sketches Online and DEMAND Engagement – If someone doesn’t immediately validate your art, delete it in shame (and go cry in your corner you beta cuck)
4️⃣ GO HARD.
(also subscribe)Subscribed
🚫 MISTAKES ONLY ART BETA CUCKS MAKE 🚫
(Is your name “Marc Cuckaberg!?” NO! You are an ART Apex Predator Sketch Gladiator
LOOK AT ALL THE BETA CUCKS IN THIS SKETCH! THEY ONLY EAT STEAK FROM FEMALE COWS, NOT FROM HARD CORE BULLS LIKE REAL CHAD ARTISTS EAT! AND THEY WEAR A RED HAT. EVERYONE KNOWS RED HATS ARE FOR BETA CUCK SHITBAGS THAT HAVE VOTED IN AN ORANGE BETA CUCK WHO JUGGLES PUTIN’S BALLS IN HIS MOUTH. THANKS FOR RUINING AMERICA YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. But hey…eggs tho…egg prices gonna come down soon.
ONLY FOLLOW THESE STEPS NOW, NOT THE STEPS ABOVE, THOSE STEPS ARE NOW ONLY FOR BETAS WHO SURF REDDIT.
❌ Using Cheap Sketchbooks – If your sketchbook costs less than a down payment on a house, you’re doing it wrong. Also not subscribing, so subscribe.Subscribed
❌ Sketching for Fun – What is this, a hobby?! Your sketchbook is for HARDCORE FINISHED MASTERPIECES ONLY.Subscribed
❌ Taking Breaks – Rest days are for cowards… and watercolor artists. Draw 80 hours a week or get out of the PEN15 Club.Subscribed
❌ Using Cheap Pens – If your quill isn’t handcrafted by a blind Russian artisan monk, throw it out.Subscribed
❌ Experimenting with New Styles – NO! Draw the SAME THING, FOREVER, until you master it at a Malcolm Gladwell-approved 10,000-hour grind.Subscribed
(Side Note: Malcolm Gladwell is a fraud and also a beta cuck. 10,000 hours? Pshaw. More like infinity hours if you wanna be a REAL ART CHAD.)Subscribed
NEVERMIND!!! TOO MUCH RED BULL… Forget the other, other steps, follow these steps now:
💎 PRO ARTIST SECRETS: HOW TO BE A PEN15 MASTER
(Follow These and Ascend to Sketchbook Greatness)
A sketch of Bey-Z. A MANLY sketch of Bey-Z. Stay tuned for next week when I draw ALPHA JUDY GARLAND!
📜 Rule #1: Your Sketchbook Is A Masterpiece OR IT’S GARBAGE. If you make one bad drawing, set it on fire and start over. No weak sketches allowed.
📹 Rule #2: Film Yourself Sketching 24/7 If there isn’t video proof of you drawing, did you even draw? No. No, you didn’t.
USE SECRET PASSWORD PEN15 TO GET A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF DUNNING KRUEGERSubscribed
📢 Rule #3: If Your Post Gets No Likes, Scream About Censorship Write an open letter to Mark Cuckaberg, telling him you’ve been canceled by the woke agenda because your hentiamasterpiece anime OC didn’t get engagement.
💰 Rule #4: BUY MORE SKETCHBOOKS If you mess up a page, THROW YOUR WHOLE SKETCHBOOK AWAY and start fresh. Sketchbooks are disposable and must always be perfect.Subscribed
💀 Rule #5: DRAW UNTIL YOU DIE “Off days” are for losers. You don’t need rest, inspiration, or sleep. You only need to sketch harder.
🏃 Rule #6: If You Mess Up A Drawing, Do 50 Burpees Punish your weak artistic hands for failing you.
🖼 Rule #7: MEME YOUR SKETCHES Add deep, cryptic captions that appropriate BiPOC/LGBTQAi+ culture like:
“Sometimes it be like that.”
“Very demure, very mindful.”
“Yaaaassss.”
“Subscribe, yolo”Subscribed
RULE#8: GET A MIDJORNEY AI ACCOUNT, WRITE A SENTENCE TO MAKE A SKETCH, PRINT IT OUT AND TAPE IT IN YOUR SKETCHBOOK.
🔥 FINAL WARNING: DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A PEN15 MASTER?
Look at ALL THESE BETAS I SKETCHED
If you’re ready to TAKE YOUR ART TO THE NEXT LEVEL, follow these steps. Otherwise, go back to doodling flowers like a watercolor beta cuck.
Still not convinced? Here’s my masterpiece sketchbook for reference:
LOOK AT THIS PERFECT SKETCHBOOK ENTRY. IT WOULD BE HANGING IN THE MOMA IF IT WASN’T RUN BY A BUNCH OF BETA ART LIBS!
💀 That’s right. If you don’t draw like this, you’re doing it wrong.
🔥 DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR PEN15 DESTINY? 🔥
These jokes are all “in-bread”.
YES? THEN GO SKETCH, YOU CHAD ART WARRIOR.
💥 BONUS OFFER: Buy now and get a FREE 10-HOUR RANT about why ART SCHOOL IS A SCAM. That’s right, ONLY I know all the answers, NOT some accredited art school!
(And don’t forget to buy my totally real and not-at-all-fake PEN15 MAX GROWTH PILLS for MAXIMUM ARTISTIC STRENGTH.)
EVEN “MOAR” OF MY NOT-BETA GLADIATOR ART
My sketchbook is my sanctuary, it’s not meant to be slick, perfect or impress anyone. It’s more me getting ideas down, quickly drawing what’s in my head and enjoying the sounds a pencil or a pen(15) make when it goes across the paper.
My sketchbook is for one thing, and one thing only and that’s for having fun.
If you made it this far and missed the part where I emphasized that this article is satire? Well… It’s satire.
Welcome to the 2025 Clout Outs Awards, where we celebrate influencers who’ve turned “content creation” into a late-stage corporate run hellscape where individuals will do anything for internet clout performance art. Whether they’re perfecting their duck face under 18 artificial intelligence-enhanced filters, hawk-tuah-ing1 $80 protein powder that tastes like dandruff-grade shampoo (oh don’t act like you haven’t been shampoo curious before, everyone has at one time in their life, right? Right??2 ), or ratio-ing 3 trolls into the Flintstone Age, these are the pioneers of peak cringe.
Without further ado, let’s get to the categories.
All articles are written and illustrated by Thig and edited as possible by his wife Heather.
We make it rain, yo.
Sunfluencers: Most Overproduced Sunset Photo
I am obsessed with little action cams and taking sunset pictures. So basically I am making fun of me here.
You’ve seen the photos—sunsets so over-edited they look like they were taken on Mars. And you’ve read the captions: “Don’t let ur son4 the sun go down on me #self-love.” This year’s winner is Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton, your 24/7 photographer who never misses a shot. Yes that’s right, nothing is left to just observe in the moment with Wiggleton around. The peak golden hour moment when the sun is waning? He’s there. That moment the sun and the ocean create the magical green flash? There’s Wiggleton. Those leaked shower cam photos of you where you were picking your nose singing that one Bob Marley song you know while secretly being filmed? Well, Danny’s side-hustle makes him a lot of money. 5
Swolfluencers: Best MLM Supplement Hustle
Probably the most predatory types on the internet are Nutrition and Diet influencers. Please know about 90% of the bullshit they are peddling to you is…well, utter bullshit. (99.9%- Heather)
Now sliding into your DMs like a horny drunk ex6 with “…Hey, babe, wanna make millions with my crypto NFT ultimate diet and eBook!? I got abs, look at this picture of me holding this fish I caught in the water over there!…” MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one takes this keto-cake7. He’s built a career convincing people (like me) that protein shakes and his “detox” Non-Alcoholic Nootropic drink (With Delta 8,9 & 10) can turn your dad bod into rad bod! His preyramid-scheme empire is as sturdy as a house of red playing cards in the wake of Hurricane Patricia11, but hey—he’s got the abs (and the tats), and that’s what counts.
Subscribe today and get a free bottle of COCCYX Penal Enhancers with a purchase of 1,525 bottles (shipping not included)Subscribed
Glamfluencers: Best Makeup Tutorials to Hawk (Tuah) Products
Does all that makeup ever get uncomfortable? Like I think I’d feel like a Facehugger from the Alien Franchise was hardening around my face.
In this glitter-soaked category, the competition was caked on stiff, but Mabel *Massacre* Mascara came out swinging her only fan-brush12. Her eyelids are sponsored by at least six brands, and her tutorials last longer than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and 213.14 This year’s highlight?15 A “natural nude look”16 that required 14 steps, a full-blown séance17, and your credit card.
Clapbackpreneurs: Best at Responding to Haters
Clout Outs to all you who can do sick burns on the fly, it is a skill I don’t have but wish I possessed. Sadly I was given the gift of non sequitur which thanks to cats, there are no irons left to drive.
The internet is a battleground, and Petty “Haterade” Harper is its reigning champion. AOC? Cardi B? The Wendy’s TwX account?18Amateurs. Forget therapy—The Ms. Haterade Channel19 channels all her unresolved issues into mic-dropping on trolls with the precision of a Miami Plastic-Neurosurgeon. She’s not just mean; she’s feral-cat protectin’ her babies mean20. This ye21ar’s highlight reel includes destroying an NFT bro so thoroughly he deleted his X22 account and donated his millions to the poors 23and sold his exploding Cybertruck, donating the twelve dollars he got for that piece of shit vehicle to charity.
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Productpreneurs: Best in Product Placement
This image was additionally sponsored by Nike, Reebok, Baby Phat, Def Jam Records, KFC, Delta, American Airlines, Disney, Goldman Sachs, Trump University, Beats by Dre, Chicken, Beats Pill, Diet Coke Zero, KFC, Marlboro Vapes, Dick Enhancement Pills at your local Exxon Convenience gas station, Wegovy, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Ozempic, Johnson and Johnson, Tesla, KFC, Wendy’s, Wild Bill’s Carpet Cleaning, Petsmart, Omg remember KFC’s “Finger-Lickin’ Good”commercial…DURING THE FUCKING PANDEMIC? …and many more!
Payton Inflùénza wins this for her uncanny ability to monetize literally… everything24. Her tearful breakup video with MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one25featured five sponsored products, and rumors are swirling that she uses branded toilet tissue26. Payton’s not just a sellout—she’s now a Republican27.
And The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For…
And now28, it’s time to vote for the cringiest29 influencer 30of the past year. Will it be Danny with his radioactive iris-burning sunsets, MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one with orally wheat fed-nutritious scams, Mabel with her glitter-snorting make-up hustle, Petty with her verbal annihilation, or Payton, the Picasso of product placement?31 Cast your votes32 below, and tune in next week when we present the coveted Elon DeGenerates Memorial Award for Outstanding Achievement in Cringe.
Have your friends vote by sharing this article with them. Do it. Share it with your friends now. Do not question it, this is not a request. SHARE NOW
As stated above, I wrote and illustrated this entire article. I am an artist by trade and like to write humorously. I use the Procreate App on the iPad to do most of my art these days. Sure, I have one of those big ol’ drawing tablets but I can use the iPad, in bed and the bed is comfy.
Below are a series of videos recorded in the Procreate App. In the videos you will see me start with scribbly concepts and then slowly work up to a finished piece. I do not consider myself one of the greatest artists of all time, however some advice I was told has kept me in a career since the 90s and I’m passing that advice along here for any of you who are reading it: STORY IS KING.
You can have a not-very-well-executed art piece but if it has a story where people “feel seen”, then I can assure your art will get noticed. So if you’ve made it this far, are a creative and looking to get more engagement to your art, writing, poetry… make them (the viewers) feel something.
Enjoy these uncut and possibly really long videos and I’d love a share if you feel so moved to do so.
Since this entire article is satire, there are no need for citations (something I believe in strongly, like you should fact check everything I say…in fact, fact check 2-3 times as I maek miss stakes) thus I am going to do inner voices as my Feep (foot – I know but we call them feeps around these parts) notes below.
All the Feep Notes are unedited, and I’ll probably read these later and think “what the hell were you thinking!?” But I thought they were funny at the time so I left them in. Also, and most importantly I am an artist and this is my art project (all of this, the entire Zine), I hope you enjoy.
Haliey Welch, known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” is a 22-year-old internet personality from Tennessee who gained viral fame in 2024 after a street interview where she humorously used the phrase “hawk tuah,” an onomatopoeia for spitting during oral sex and is the wet dream of every MAGA neckbeard-incel cosplaying as confederate soldiers.
“ratio-ing” refers to when someone responds to a post, tweet, or comment in a way that generates significantly more likes, retweets, or engagement than the original post. It’s essentially a public mic drop that shows the response is more popular or widely agreed upon than the initial statement.
I have witnessed this phenomenon before. The pity you have for that poor, poor soul. As Heather often says in the most altruistic and condescending tone, “bless it.”
Delta-8 THC products are often produced and sold in unregulated markets. You literally could be ingesting someone’s untested semen that a grifter swirled up in a candy and labeled it “Trips Ahoy.” But let me tell you, the vaccines? They all cause you to have erotic 5g fantasies about Bill Gates’ green M&M lover and we know that’s what clearly causes austism (a fact believed by many people).
Prolonged use of Delta9 will lead to Scromit sharting. For reference, please Bing: Scromit and Shart (and make sure you parental guides are turned onto safety because you know that bitch Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton has taken your scromiting selfie and Binged it onto the internet).
Ok ok, I’ll tell you what Scromit Sharting is so you don’t have to Bing it.
Scromit: Screaming and vomiting simultaneously
Sharting: Farting and shitting simultaneously
Regret: As you will be doing all four of these at once like some wretched piss-boy water fountain that really rich people put in their gardens, like what kinda weirdo puts that in their back yard…and some of those fuckers even display them in the front yard! Where is the HOA when you need them!?
That windy bitch was going 215 MPH heading straight for Gulf of USA Mexico! Fortunately the Mexicans built a wall to keep it out and upon that success, they have started a wall to keep Ultra Wealthy Americans from taking over their costal shores.
You know, like a brush that looks like a fan, and she only has one of them. What did you think I was talking about another site that Wiggleton is part of?
“10 Points to RavenClaw for that joke Mr. Thigpen!” (Why are you rolling your eyes???Buzzfeed said The RClaws were the fucking best, and if it’s the best for Buzzfeed then you’re just an old, man!)
No seriously, we sometimes worry about Thig, like he’s typing this and using “we”. Motherfucker’s in the goddamned UpSide Down world with Milli Bobbi Brown…which, who names their kid after the husband of the greatest known singer ever known to man, woman or child, Whitney Houston?
Pay no attention to the previous footnote. That was EVIL Scott Thigpen with a goatee that had temporarily taken over the footnotes. We now return back to normal footnotes.
This guy makes Andrew Tate look like the beta male cuck dickless cybertruck-driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-goddamn-road-what-is-it-about-you-people-in-the-UK? Oh-Brits-drive-on-the-left-because-historically-people-rode-horses-or-walked-on-the-left-to-keep-their-sword-arm-free-(most-were-right-handed)-to-defend-themselves.-When-cars-came-along-they-kept-the-same-rule.-Other-countries-later-switched-to-the-right-for-practicality-as-larger-vehicles-and-trade-grew-but-Britain-stuck-to-its-tradition. Elaine-if-you-actually-made-it-this-far-are-you-impressed-i-know-my-uk-history? If-Elaine-doesn’t-see-this-can-someone-mention-her-in-the-comments. Oh-and-if-any-of-you-have-made-it-this-far-would-you-kindly-slide-into-my-dms-to-tell-me?
Wait don’t leave, I’m not popular enough yet to say: “Ha! I don’t need you anyway, unsubscribe, see if I care!” I need you even if you voted “R”, but I also need you to understand holy shit am I terrified for our country. I know Kamala wouldn’t have been perfect, but damn she had more than a “concept of a plan!”
And RFK Jr is going to be run our Healthcare system. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Y’ALL. This is like giving an arsonist a match to a gender reveal At Insane William’s Firework Emporium. (While I’m an avid supporter of not-gatekeeping or pissing on anyone’s parade… y’all the gender reveal parties? They push my limits of tolerance. )
As of 2024, American Idol has completed 22 fucking seasons. In the first season where Richard Hatch won, over 110 million votes were cast. By the tenth season where who knows who won, the total votes for that season had increased to nearly 750 million.
Wait, now I remember It wasn’t Richard Hatch, it was that Kelley Klarkstone singer who sang Hey Sexy Ladies on her breakout album Opa Gangam Style.
ANYWAY. DOT. DOT. DOT. I’m just asking you to vote once, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope the poll would drive up engagement.
