UNCERTAIN, TX — A local man is facing a citation for reckless discharge of a firearm and a respectable second‑degree sunburn after deputies say he unloaded a hunting rifle “at global‑warming,” which he says identifies as “the sun”.
Witnesses report that Ronnie “Redline” Dupree, 52, climbed into the bed of his F‑250 around 3 p.m. Thursday, squeezed off three shots toward a cloudless sky, then hollered, “That’ll teach you, heat devil!” One round ricocheted off a stop sign and took out three javelinas. 🐖
Central Texas registered 108 °F — hotter than parts of the Sahara Desert during Dupree’s thermonuclear showdown. Climate Central’s Shift Index flagged the day at Level 5, meaning human‑caused warming made those temperatures at least five times more likely. Dupree remained unmoved: “I get my weather from the Patriot Temp Alerts Facebook group and Infowars. Thermometers are just climate‑hoax propaganda and woke math.”
Deputy Ortiz, first on scene, issued a $23 ticket for “menacing the troposphere.” “There’s no statute against yelling at ultraviolet radiation,” he noted, “but chootin’ at it is strongly discouraged—especially on Sundays.”
Neighbor Aunt Peepaw, pinning her bloomers to a wire strung between their trailers, sighed: “RFK told him fluoridated mind‑control robots swim in the tap water. Wish he’d come back to church—boy’s got a prize pair of hams on him.” 🐖
By sunset Dupree was ordering a flamethrower – “Fight fire with fire, just like it says in Two Corinthians.” ERCOT meanwhile urged residents to conserve power “and for Mr. Dupree in particular to holster all combustion‑based weaponry.”
Up next: Woman delivers healthy triplets in a Walgreens clearance aisle, misplaces one near Gwyneth’s GOOP Jade Easter Eggs — film at 11.
⸻
And now a word from our spoonzorz:
Did you know in Chicago there’s a basement in a pizza joint in a SEEDY part of town where George Soros is siphoning your money away through 👻 C R Y P T O 👻 . The only way to stop it? BUY GOLD DOGCOINS.
U.S. GOLD DOG COIN — SPECIAL RELEASE
24 K freedom‑touched alloy, paw‑stamped in a decommissioned missile silo outside Omsk, vacuum‑sealed in Guangzhou, and blessed by an ai bald eagle on TikTok. Intro price $134 (plus heroic shipping). Only 1,776 coins per patriot.
Call 1‑719-266-2837 📞 before Big Fido bites your 401(k).
(Not recognized by Treasury, FDA, or ASPCA. Coins may contain trace amounts of Elon’s ego.)
Dog Coin — Sit. Stay. Hedge.
⸻
BTS — Between the Screens
Saw a Facebook headline: San Antonio to out‑bake the Sahara. Skipped the article, swan dove straight into the comments. Nothing steadies my pulse like strangers blaming solar panels for the sun.
For the newbies: I’ve been drawing all my own stunts, no Ai generative art. Here’s a timelapse of me drawing the man cosplaying as a cowboy.
Roll the timelapse.